Tender (A britpop era fiction)

Death of a Party

„Tony and I had just returned to London. It was still uncertain if I'd be invited to the Definitely Maybe release party. I'd tried to call Noel, but he was never home. Or he just ignored me, don' know. Liam was in Manchester and would come down for the party, bringin' me mam. To be honest, I didn't quite believe I wouldn't be allowed to come. But in the end..." I shrug my shoulders, keep a stern face.

„It was only shortly before the party started. Tony was already dressed and ready to go and I had gotten out an appropriate dress. I was determined to go. And then, the call came. When Tony was already looking for his jacket."

I smile bitterly, thinking about the voice on the other end.

„It was McGee. He asked me not to show up. Told me he didn't think it would be wise. Said there would be journalists and he didn't want any press about a sibling fight. He made it sound like it was his idea, but I knew better. I knew who was behind it. With that, he...Noel, he...quite hit me." I pause for a moment, fight down the remembrance of the feeling back then. It had felt like a dagger right through my heart, a cold knife turned around by every word McGee said. At one point, I just hung up on him. I couldn't stand to hear him anymore.

„He never admitted to it. He never said it was him. But I knew it still."

„He did", Matt mumbles. Immediately I sit up straight. It feels as if I'd been hit by a lightning. Matt's face is shocked, as if he can't believe himself he just slipped that small, unimportant detail.

„What?" I ask with widened eyes.

„He, ehm..." He's in loss of words. „He may have said that he...well, that he acted wrong. I really can't tell you more, I shouldn't even have told you that."

„But..."

„Sorry Claire, I really can't say anything more" he interrupts me, his gaze nervously turning to the still rolling camera. Slowly I nod.

„I understand." Still surprised I lean back. I try to focus on the point of the story where we stopped. I have given myself a promise at the beginning of these interviews. To tell my story, no matter what.

„Liam later told me that our mam went mad when she realized I wasn't there. Noel didn't tell anybody beforehand. Me brothers were as shocked as her. Tony was furious, they had an argument about the matter at the party. I think Tony really couldn't forgive Noel for that, whatever friendship they had left at that point went down the toilet pretty quickly. But Liam, being Liam, still managed to find an excuse for Noel. Believed the lie that it was McGee, because he wanted to believe it. Mam didn't. She was proper furious at him. Gave him a piece of her mind and then drove back to Manchester. Me brother Paul told me what she said to Noels face before she left. If yer sister's not here, imma want nothing to do with it." I look up.

„She raised us with the sole principle that family sticks together. No matter what. One kid casting another out, she wouldn't stand for it. I'll always be thankful for that. For her example."

I get how hypocritical it sounds, me of all people saying that. The woman that is known publicly for calling out her brothers for years, betraying them in that sense. But in my heart, I've never forgotten her words. And I know my brother haven't either. I need to believe that.

„What was your first reaction?"

„What my first reaction to every situation was. Got a proper line up the old jubilee bells. And then started a fight."

I shake my head.

„I was a mess back then. A complete and utter mess. Damon called me out on it once and he was right, I meant trouble. Not because I couldn't help it, that would be too easy an excuse. I tried to blame everyone else for so long, I don't want to do that anymore. I provoced trouble. I wanted trouble. It never came to my mind to...stop. To reflect on a situation, d'ya know what I mean? And this particular evening, as it was more and more the case, Tony was my target.