Tainted (Levi x Reader)

Chapter 8

Walking slower because you were so lost in thought, you gradually fell behind the rest of your squad on your way back to HQ.

However, like the sort of friend who stays behind with you while you stop to tie your shoe, Petra noticed and walked quietly alongside you, offering her silent support as she noticed the troubled look on your face.

You shot her a grateful glance as HQ came within sight.

"You know, if you're worried about Eren, he has that crazy fast titan healing, so he'll be okay." Petra gave you a soft smile as you two walked.

Your frown deepened before you looked over at her in confusion.

"You like him, right?" Petra asked.

"Eren?" You almost laughed. "No no, he's a good comrade, but I'm not looking for anything deeper. Especially not with our line of work."

Petra scratched the back of her neck as her cheeks turned bright red. "Oh, how foolish of me! It's just that I know Eren cares a lot about you, but he's too afraid of approaching you most of the time..."

The fuck? The poor boy knows nothing about me. You shook your head with a smile spread on your face. "Geez, think I could get him to do some of my chores?"

Petra laughed. "Probably! Maybe you could get him to do mine, too!"

You felt a rare warmth spread in your heart, briefly making you forget your worries, as you continued to talk and joke with Petra until the two of you reached the mess hall and got your lunches. I wish it was like this all the time...

__________

Later that evening, feeling more resolved about your current predicament, you made your way down a hall to the very end, climbing up the spiral stairs to the roof. You felt more analytical, ready to sit down and work through some sort of solution. But you wanted some fresh air to do it.

You sat in a gap of the battlement style wall with legs dangling over the edge. It was a dizzying drop, so you were positioned as close as you could get to the merlon on your left.

You held a notebook in hand, scribbling notes as you pieced together what you knew. My father is targeting my squad mates now too, I'm sure of it.

You had begun to care more about these people again, like you did back when Ilse was around helping you to emerge from your shell, as much as you distanced yourself in an attempt not to. And you had worked your ass off to get where you were. And... it was your passion, your dream, despite the ever looming risk of a gruesome end. You couldn't just leave, you couldn't even imagine doing that. This was home.

I can protect my squad from him. It will require extra vigilance, and I'll have to trust my gut more about seeing those signs, but I can do it. I just can't let my guard down. And... I need to start taking better care of myself. Otherwise, I'm giving him an advantage. I need to be in tip-top shape.

A sort of peace settled over you as you watched the sun dip below the horizon and the stars begin to freckle the sky. You were just getting ready to head back inside for bed when you heard the trap door to the roof open, and Captain Levi emerged. He froze, tea in hand, appearing surprised to find you there. He quickly regained composure, face returning to its blank default setting.

"I was just leaving," you told him, bringing your legs back over the edge and standing.

"You're fine, stay." He walked over and sat on the other end of the embrasure where you'd been. You cautiously sat back down as you had been, both of you scanning the surrounding landscape to avoid looking at each other.

When you did settle down enough to risk glancing over, you saw Levi casually leaning against the other merlon, one leg dangling down, the other bent at the knee with his foot resting on the stone. The moon was only a sliver in the sky, so starlight was all you had to see his handsome features. His forearm rested on his bent knee, hand holding his tea cup by the brim while steam rose from the warm drink to greet the chilly night air.

As time dragged on, and he also started to let his gaze divert from your surroundings to you, you felt an increasing need to say something to break the silence.

"So... come here often?" God that was lame.

"Yes. And you?" His steel eyes locked onto yours.

You shook your head, looking away again to watch your feet lazily swing in tight circles close to the side of the building. More silence. "Captain... have you ever... have you ever been in an impossible situation? One that ends badly for someone, no matter how you approach it?"

Levi glanced sharply at you, unable to read your emotions clearly as your (h/l) (h/c) hair fell in front of your face. "I believe so." With a pang of sadness, he recalled Isabel and Farlan. Everything went wrong after they joined the Scouts, but with time, things got better for him.

(Y/n) suddenly met his eyes with ones torn by emotion and indecision, her grip tightening on the stone ledge as you both searched each other's face. "How did you know what to choose?"

Levi hesitated as he was put on the spot. He sensed the importance of his answer to (Y/n), but he didn't know enough about what she was facing to give anything he was sure would be right for her. "I put aside my pride for the sake of those I held dear."

(Y/n) nodded, gaze slowly returning to her feet. Levi's stomach lurched as he wondered what that meant. She seemed a little less conflicted, but still pained. What are you planning?

He sighed, knowing that leaving it at that was going to eat him up inside. "Look, that was just how it was for me. I made that personal sacrifice, and it cost me everything. But I eventually regained my footing. You can't know the future, and you'll piss away your life if you spend all your time worrying about it. You have to find a way to live with no regrets, (Y/n)."

You met his stare with a genuine smile. "Thank you, Levi. I think I know what needs to be done now."

Levi's eyes widened as you addressed him by his name. Before he could speak, you stood up and stretched, making for the trap door that led back inside. You paused as you were almost down, meeting his scrutinizing gray eyes as he tried to dissect your words and behavior. Eager to be free of them, you shut the door and made straight for your room.

As you'd sat there beside your Captain, reality had sunk in, dragging your heart down with it to the depths of despair. Even if it was for a mere moment, I was foolish to think I could protect my squad or anyone else from my father. Spend the rest of my life in paranoia, and more than likely losing bits and pieces of my heart along the way. So there's only one option left.

I've got to surrender. I know the inner workings of my father's operations. That sabotage with Eren was only a small demonstration. You knew from experience that if your father had to say something twice, it would be much worse for you the second time. He will kill one of them, maybe more. I know I made a promise to Ilse, but maybe the best thing I can do for humanity at this point is to save such valuable soldiers from him by appeasing him.

Your heart shriveled in terror at the thought of being enslaved by him again, no different from any of his other mercenaries. I was so powerless under his thumb. I went along with all of it. I killed and tortured innocent people for that sick bastard. However, nothing he could do to me or have me do would be worse torture than watching him slaughter my comrades. Like Levi did, I need to put myself aside for their sake. And who knows, maybe things will eventually get better for me, too?

You pondered how you'd contact your father. It was obvious that he had spies constantly observing you. So all you had to do was make yourself a wide open target for capture, and then the threat would disappear along with you...