It isn't your decision *D.M*

11. Cuts

I'm really not supposed to be here.

While I try to open the door Draco seems to take shower I hear the water running, and I try either to find a way out or to find a good cause for being here. Actually it doesn't matter what I'll tell him,he's not going to believe me. Should I just say the truth? I guess that's the easiest way.

I hear the lock of the bathroom door but I'm sitting down at the couch my back facing the bathroom.

"What the fuck. Greengrass? Is that you?!" I slowly turn around to face him, but there is something that catches my attention before my eyes can meet his.

My eyes fall on the white towel which is loosely wrapped around his hips. It sits actually very low on his hips, and then the veins lead me up to his toned abs. I want to look away when he steps closer but I can't disconnect my eyes from his body.

His crotch is now on the same level as my eyes and I squeeze them shut at the thought of what is underneath the towel. But then he snaps me out of my thoughts a finger under my chin rips my head up to look into his eyes.

His smirk wider than I ever saw it, he isn't even uncomfortable with me staring what?

Our eyes are connected but mine wander slowly down again, but I can't see much because he still holds my head up with his finger. My field of view ends shortly under his rips, but it's enough to admire.

"Greengrass. Are you there? Should I bring you a magnifying glass or is your view enough?" He laughs lightly and fuck he's enjoying it. I have to control myself it can't be that difficult.

Get your shit together Isabel.

I get up and head to the door again.

"Bloody hell. Stay here. Sit down!" His voice scares me and his playful tone is gone. He's serious now

I get back on the sofa.

"Stay the fuck there or I will fuck you till you can't leave your place Greengrass."

He what? I get nervous, he can't be serious. That has to be a joke, but if I just sit here nothing will happen right?

A few minutes later he comes back dressed in black sweatpants, and shirtless. I won't stare again.

He sits down beside me, I look down at the floor and then I see his hands scrunching a shirt he is holding in his hands.

His fingers are decorated with rings and veins starting at his hands are running up his arms. I want to touch them, I feel my nervousness increasing and it feels weird. My heartbeat gets faster but then my heart jumps.

He grabs my thigh and his rings dig into my skin. They are cold and I gasp, I feel them. I feel something at his touch. He let's me feel, a feeling which is indescribable runs trough my body. I don't need to harm myself to feel, he can let me feel. But then his hand let's go of me and finds it's place back in his lap.

"So tell me, what are you doing here? Since when are you here, my door is locked." He doesn't sound upset more seriously interested.

"When you left Hogwarts after uhm-"

"I know what you mean keep going" he snaps annoyed.

"I wanted to talk to you and came here, you- were gone and then I saw this massive bookshelf. I didn't bring any books with me from home, and since that thing with Flint I don't like walking around alone. So - uhm I borrowed your book but I didn't read it. I am so- so sorry" I don't know why my eyes start to get glossy but the last time I've talked to him he raised his voice so much that I was scared.

"Shut it. Enough. It's okay, just uhm yeah leave. And eat something, before I break your bones the next time I touch you."

I nod and when I want to open the door I remember that it's locked.

"Dra-Draco? It's locked." I whisper hoping he didn't hear that I called him by his name.

"right , here !" He throws his wand at me and I open the door with a short "Alohomora"
I turn the knob but then he gets up and his eyes widen.

"Greengrass, your bleeding.......... - a lot." His voice breaks while he says this. He points down to my legs.

I forgot about the cuts on my legs the spell must've lost his force.

"Bye!" I yell and run to my dorm.

I get in and directly vanish in the bathroom. I have to cover it up again, after I get in my bed and fall asleep quickly.

~..........................................~
Trigger warning, self harm
It's been almost two month since I first harmed myself, I've gained some weight again but I'm still cutting in my skin under the shower.

My cuts aren't the small razor cuts anymore. Sometimes I still use them  but I mostly use shards they cut deeper and cause more pain. I've stopped cutting my legs it's to obviously. I cut my wrists or my arms in general. Short time after showering I don't feel it anymore and I think I'm addicted to this pain. I could find a way to let Draco touch me but then I would be addicted to Draco.

It's a lot easier to deal with a addiction to shards or razors than to be addicted to an bipolar handsome asshole. At least that what I always tell myself when I'm considering to knock at his door.

Sometimes I stand at his door thinking about what will happen when I knock. Then I rise my hand but walk away before I knock. I do this at least once a week. We don't talk much only in Potions. Daphne sleeps often at Oliver's. Or they sleep in the common room. I think that's weird but they can do whatever they want.

I cover my cuts up everyday before I leave my dorm. But not today I had no time after I overslept.

"Please place the homework for today in front of you."

I did do my homework but I know the blonde boy sitting next to didn't.

"Yo Greengrass, do you mind if I take these for a moment?"

"Are you serious Malfoy? No. This took me hours!"

I take the sheet and hold it away from him but he grips my arm and pulls me close. He takes the paper and lays it down on his table.

His touch made me freeze and it gave me a shot of emotion. I stand up to take my homework, but when I grab it a liquid runs down to my fingertip. It's blood his grip scratched my wounds open. A small drop forms on my fingertip and before I can pull my hand away it lands on my homework.

Draco stops writing and touches his face. Is he checking if his nose is bleeding? If this wasn't my blood I would've laughed, but in this case it wasn't funny. He was about to find out my biggest secret.

"Greengrass is that your blood?" He looked disgusted.

"Uhm yeah I've cut my finger. Sorry for that but it's my homework anyway." I give him a shy smile.

"There is no blood on your fingers, where does it come from? I'm serious tell me, or I'll tell Snape that this is my essay."

I feel the blood soaking my robe. I had lots of cuts from the last shower. And then it happened he took my arm. But before he slid my sleeve he looked me deep in the eyes.

"Greengrass, I just hope for you that this isn't what I think. And don't dare to tell me lies now." I stay quiet and he reveals my arm covered in cuts and blood.

I gasp in pain, it's not normal that I still can feel the pain after two days. It's his touch.

"We'll have a talk about this later. 8 pm sharp at my dorm. If you aren't there I'll find you. Don't test me."