It isn't your decision *D.M*

12. End it all

Trigger warning, self harm- suicide

I really don't want to do this. It's 7:56 pm by now, and I'm at his door again.

This time I have to knock, I feel the anxiety deep in my bones. My palms are sweaty and if I'd had to talk right now my voice would be so shaky that nobody could understand me.

I rise my hand and knock softly on his door hoping that he didn't hear my knock. That would give me more time to think of arguments that make my cuts positive in some way. But then I face him.

The blonde boy with those stunning grey eyes, in the dimmed light they seem almost black.

"Come in or are you planning on standing there the whole time." He snaps at me, he isn't very nice today but I slowly get used to his bipolarity.

I stand there frozen no expression on my face. My muscles feel like they're asleep, but then after what felt like hours I step in. He walks over to the couch again and gives me an annoyed glare.

It signalises me to sit down next to him.

I sit down staring at my shoes, a weird silence prevails in the room. It causes me to get even more nervous and I start to wiggle my leg up and down. Why isn't he talking to me? I'm here because he wanted me to come here.

"Now it's 8 sharp. And for god's sake Stopp that it makes me aggressive Greengrass." With that he paralyses my leg with his hand. I gasp out loudly at his touch which causes him to only grab my thigh stronger.

"So, what's that?" His voice makes me shift at my place.

"Wh-what?" I ask, I know what he means but I want to hear it from him. But I have to stop stuttering that's weak.

He huffs annoyed and pulls my arm to him. The cold air hits my arm, I don't like to see my scars and fresh cuts so I turn my head slightly away.

"Does-" he clears his throat. "Does it hurt?" I look at him at his question. I shake my head and he stares into my eyes in disbelief.

"Can you just fucking tell me why you keep doing this?"
"-and before you even ask, I know the blood on your legs was caused by probably the same razor blade as those.I'm not stupid."

"It's stupid, you won't understand." I say quiet.
He looks in my eyes deeply and I feel his hand moving away from my wrist. I feel a single finger on my skin. I look down at my arm, the sight makes my face and body tense up.

He trails his finger up my arm, his touch hurts me. I'm suffering a lot of pain but I won't show him, it's probably what he wants. Me showing my weakness to him.

"Am i the cause?" He asks but he looks up from my arm while his finger travels slowly back down to my wrist. His slow movements make me shiver, i feel goosebumps down my back.

"Of course not." I snap at him, he isn't the one causing my numbness. I can't explain it to myself it's just there, but he's the one letting me feel again.

I see relief in his face. "That's good. I thought it's my fault."

"Good? You think it's good that I harm myself over and over again? You know what, you're a git. I hate you Malfoy. Everything is messed up, I barely talk to anyone. Everyone calls me a slut, or judges me for my weight. I just can't, and I thought you care about-about me. But no- everything you care about is yourself. I hate you Draco Malfoy." I feel the tears running down my cheeks and then I get up. I have to leave, wouldn't it be the best to just end everything?

"Then just go and kill yourself, Greengrass. If everything is so fucked up. Nobody will miss you." He yells at me.

I storm out of his dorm. He is right nobody will miss me, they wouldn't even notice me missing.

Without stopping at my dorm I head to the Astronomy Tower. I'll just do what my gut thinks is the best. Draco's words hurt me, they hurt me like everything he does. I feel at his touch but it's pain that i feel. When I'm dead I won't feel anything, it doesn't make a difference to now besides that I don't have to feel pain anymore.

I'm crying and shaking so much that it's difficult to hold myself upright.

I step close to the balcony of the astronomy tower, and slowly swing one leg over it.

My hands clutch tight around the railing when my second leg slips over.

I'm sitting on top of the railing now and it's so easy now, I'm only a few inches away from ending everything. I'm overthinking everything.

Is it fair to cause Daphne and my parents the pain of loosing me, just because I can't feel anymore?

I'm about to lean back to let myself fall back inside, but then something touches my hand.

I loose my balance and slide forwards off of the railing. I scream. It's over.

My body is embraced by air my body trembling above the abyss. My eyes are closed.

I'm not falling. I open my eyes slowly and see

Draco.

He's holding me, both of his hands gripping on my arm. He pulls me up and my back glides over the railing. I fall inside but instead of landing on the cold stone floor I land on him.

He pulls me close.

"Merlin are you insane? Isabel this was close, too close. You could've been dead." I can't even comprehend what he's talking it's too much for me. I turn around and burry my body into his. His cologne filling my lungs, my face sensing his soft sweater.

"I got you" he whispers while pulling me even closer.

I feel him moving, my body following his. He sits up leaning against a wall. My back placed on his chest, I'm sitting in between his legs. His arms wrapped around me.

I turn around to face him and whisper "I'm sorry" I won't tell him that I didn't want to jump.

He stays quiet and I feel my eyes closing, my eyelid so are so heavy I can't hold them open any longer. And then I fall asleep, again in Draco Malfoy's lap. I feel safe.

I open my eyes and the sun directly blends me. I groan out loud what causes the body underneath me to flinch.

I want to say good morning but he's faster than I.

"We have to talk about this, without arguing. I promise I'll try to understand and let you talk. And after that you'll tell Dumbledore about your mental health. I don't care if you want to or not." He sounds so worried but he's the one, the one who caused me to nearly die.

"And I couldn't care less about what you want or not. This here, the whole thing it's my decision, and not yours." My blood boils at the thought of his words.

"Oh yeah, I understand next time I'll let you fall Greengrass. And now get the fuck off of me!" He shoves me down and paces out the tower quickly. I don't have the energy to run after him.

I make my way to my dorm, and decide to tell Daphne about everything, she started crying so much that it breaks my heart. I'm glad I didn't do this. Daphne told me that she'll care about me and that Olivier and her never leave me alone again. I tried to convince her that everything is fine now but she feels so guilty about her not noticing my problems and the weight loss that she isn't able to be convinced by me.

A/N : I'm glad that you enjoy the story. It means very much to me and I'm really happy about the recently increasing readers.
I know 250 reads seems not much, but for me it means everything I'm spending so much time writing the chapters. Also English isn't my mother tongue so please excuse some mistake. But don't hold back to comment the mistakes then I can improve them. Again Thank you very much for reading.

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