for now

.04

Sometimes when bad things happen, you should let them pass. Like a sailor, if there is a storm to come, steer around it, not towards it. Other times, there's no other thing you can do but go straight through it. Water can be rocky, it can make you sea sick, but it can also be soft, smooth, and calming. 

I'm full of regret anytime I hurt Kai, because I know what it's like to be hurt. I don't mean to say the things I say sometimes, but other times it's hard not to say something out of line when somebody hurts you relentlessly.

Kai hasn't tried anything with me lately. He's ignored me completely. I haven't told Charlie what happened either, I don't want them to see how much I can hurt Kai, I don't want to tell her that it isn't this overbearing "only Kai" can hurt me thing—because I hurt him too. Badly. I texted him about a week ago. I told him that I didn't mean everything I said at Riley's, he knew I didn't, but he didn't let me get away with it that easily. I asked him if we could hang out the following day after Riley's party to talk about everything, but he told me;

the last thing i want to do is speak to you

It hurt.

Last year when Kai's father passed away, I was the only comfort he had to get though it. He didn't have much else but me. We both know that what Kai's dad did wasn't Kai's fault. He was an addict, an abuser, and the opposite of what Kai ever wanted to be. I had to talk him through it many times because I was the only person Kai knew who could understand the loss of a parent.

Today is a new day though, I'm hoping that I can catch Kai at an off moment and force him to speak to me. He hasn't even looked at me since everything happened, I don't blame him. The first time we got into a big argument Kai told me that I was "a worthless whore" who "couldn't recognize it's my fault and nobody else's", I didn't talk to him for weeks. I know it's just the anger talking so when he apologized, as much as I wanted to say "hey fuck you, I don't need you", I instead told him that "I understand but please don't say it ever again".

After first period Kai left class immediately left when the bell sounded, so quickly, that there wasn't enough time to even look back at me at all, but my eyes didn't let go of him. During sixth period, we both made our way to separate ends of the cafeteria, Charlie was out today, so my focus was on Kai and his every movement. He didn't talk much to his friends and had his headphones and hood on. I still watched him though while I played with my food using a broken spork. He got up. I saw him throw away an untouched apple and walk out the nearest exit. I quickly followed. This was the only time I could possibly talk to him.

When I opened the door I could see him walking down the long empty hall,

"Kai." I shouted, he kept walking, "Kai wait. Please, can we talk?"

This time he stopped, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I quickly caught up to him. I looked up at his face and he wasn't smiling or smirking. He wasn't doing much of anything. Just standing there, looking down at me.

"What do you need to talk about Ivy?" He asked softly. This was all I wanted, a simple conversation like normal people.

"You know I didn't mean what I said right? I know that's not why your dad did what he did." I hoped that he would accept my apology.

"Yeah, I know. That's not what bothered me Iv, you've said worse." He kept walking and I grabbed his arm that was stuffed in his pocket, bad idea. Kai doesn't like when people grab him. He turned around and grabbed my arm, he did it gently, but with force.

"Don't touch my arm like that." He let go of my arm and continued walking. This time I didn't follow him. I didn't want to push. And quite frankly, I didn't have much else to say.

I could feel him slowly slipping away from my grasp, maybe this was a sign I should let him go. There's nothing more for him and I. There's no reason to try any harder.

After work I walked home, didn't bother to ask my mom for a ride because she had been in and out of the house for a couple of weeks now. I didn't think she'd come. When I got to the front door I could see kitchen light on. I was confused. No one ever eats in the kitchen and that light is rarely ever on. Regardless, I unlocked the door, putting my things down before walking towards the glowing light. 

"Hey! You're back from school!" My mom said excitedly, I had never seen my mother this excited to see me. She didn't smell like 36 cigarettes, maybe somewhere around 10, and there was a table full of food.

"Uh yeah, what's up with all this?" I heard the toilet flush in the bathroom and looked to the left to see a man walk out.

"I ordered all of this so we could have a nice meal together and so you could meet my boyfriend. It's your favorite!" 

It wasn't my favorite, it was dad's favorite.

"Your boyfriend?" The man walked behind me and sat down on one of three only chairs under the table.

"Yes. This is Erick."

"I am indeed Erick, nice to meet you Ivy." He ushered his hand towards me and I stared at it for a second or two. 

He smelled like a Gemini.

"Are you a Gemini?" I asked as he put his hand on his knee.

"Are you going to ask that same question to everyone of the people I introduce to you?" 

In my defense, it was a valid question.

"Sorry mom."

"Uhm, actually I'm an Aquarius." Erick said as he smiled to me. I swallowed my next sentence because I didn't feel like giving him a hard time.

Really.. an Aquarius?

"So are you guys dating?" I scratched my head as they both nodded in sync. 

Something in me went off and I suddenly has a deep hatred for the man sitting to my side. I didn't know what it was. The thought of another man sitting on a seat that only my dad could fill. I didn't know much about him, but he instantly felt like a mistake. We all stood here for minutes in silence-- or what seemed like it. I saw them begin to eat. The man enraged me. The way he chewed, the ingrown hair on his chin, his dumb light brown eyes. I didn't want to say anything, so instead I left the table and went to my room. There was too much going on in my life to now deal with a worthless, no-good, manipulative, old man in my kitchen. I hated him, and I didn't know why.

For the next few hours I laid down listening to music, hearing them laugh on the other side of my door. I'd hoped my mom would feel my telepathic vibrations and stab him with those forks we never use. 

After awhile, I heard them say their goodbyes, and my mom came into my room.

"What was that?" She looked madder than I would've expected. 

"I don't like him, you should break up with him." 

She was furious now, and it was obvious. 

"Ivy, why do you always do this to me? Every time I find a little bit of happiness you ruin it. I don't understand how you could say those things to me time and time again. Your dad is dead, get over it. It was years ago, I have found a way to stop moping around in my own sorrow and I knew him longer than you did. I'm tired of you bringing everyone else down with your miserable ass. You'll cry about it when I leave and find a way to feel bad for yourself, but you do it to yourself. You're not the only one struggling." She slammed the door and left. 

I stood there in silence. Tears fell down my face and this time there was nobody to wipe them away. I threw things, ruined other things, messed up another thing, but when the roaring fire turned into the glow of a lighter, and I looked around at the tornado I've created, she was right. I was the problem in everyone's life. In her's, in Kai's, in dad's, in Charlie's, in everyones. I said things to Kai I didn't mean, maybe if I hadn't said that nothing bad would've ever happened. In this moment I could feel the hand of darkness hold me tight and enclose me in its palm. I felt my thick skin of hot wax drip onto the floor until there were only bones left. 

I've felt this pain plenty of times but as the years went by it happened less and less, but it always hit a little harder each time.

It takes one fallen domino to set off a chain reaction, and now I've realized I screwed myself.