for now

.08

"I can't go tonight." I say while my eyes fill with mist.

"What's wrong Ivy? Why don't I just come over then, I really want to see you." He asks with hope in his voice. 

"I want to be alone and there's nothing I can tell you that you would understand."

"So let me try to understand Iv. I don't know what you're feeling right now, but like, I can help. Or I can at least try."

What doesn't he understand?

"Luca! I want to be alone. Stop trying to be a hero, I don't need you, and I don't want to see you."

He went silent.

"Okay Iv. I'll leave you alone."

He hung up quickly and I threw my phone to the ground. 

Why'd I think that I could get over Kai so quickly?

I'm not that dumb am I?

Why do bad things always happen to me? I try my hardest to make everyone around me feel great and I never get that same energy in return. 

I was just starting to get over him. I was. I thought I was. I wasn't.

Kai is my addiction. 

He is my fix.

He is my drug.

And like an addict, I say I'll quit but have pills stuffed in a pillow case "just in case".

I'll never quit this drug. 

Kai is the burning wood in a fire place, but when with me, he's the fire and the fuel.

Kai hates the warmth but I love it. 

People always say, "If you love someone, you'll let them go." 

But what if I love him so much that the idea of letting him go never crosses my mind? No matter how much I say it, I need him. He is my kryptonite. I keep wondering if it's worth fighting for. If his love means more to me than his health. It doesn't. Yet I am too selfish to understand that. Instead I will scream his name and break every fragile object in my room until the sadness slowly seeps away. 

But with Kai, he took that sadness and made it joyous. 

I've told you how much Kai hurt me but I've never told you how much he's helped me. 

Charlie always says that he is bad for me, but they don't know Kai like I know Kai. 

She doesn't know the late nights, the car rides, the way he held me after every anxiety attack.

Kai has broken me in ways no person should ever break someone, but Kai has put me together in ways that I could've never imagined. When I don't have someone I become self destructive. I know it sounds like I need someone to care for me but I do. You should never need anyone-- but I've come to the dire conclusion that some people need a little extra help. Why do you think there's medication? Therapy, group sessions, weed? They all help people. I don't need a prescription when I have Kai. Maybe eventually without him I'll find myself becoming better, but you only live once, and if my world doesn't exist with Kai it's better for me that it doesn't exist at all. It's more complicated than that I know, but the idea of living in a world where I don't wake up to Kai is a world I'd rather stay asleep in.

When Kai told me he was leaving it broke me. I never imagined that Kai would do something like this, but it was the first time I could see that everything everyone else would tell me about him was so much more dishonest than I could've ever thought. 

They told me how much of a bad person Kai was, but what they don't get is that bad people don't want to change. A bad person is a bad person, no remorse, no forgiveness, no rehabilitation, but Kai is good person who's just had a bad time. Theres a part of me that will ache forever without Kai, but when I think about it I realize that Kai is a person. He's not my Scott Pilgrim and he's not my fairytale ending. He has his own body, his own mind, his own thoughts, so if him leaving is the way he'll finally find peace, how could I be mad at that? I can't.

I need to let him go. 

Is the first step denial?  

Or maybe the first step of forgetting and moving on is realizing that this is all in the past. It will stay in the past, when he leaves Monday, it is the end. I could fight this for years if I had to. Against anybody in this world I would fight if it meant I get to keep Kai. But Kai isn't for me. He was never for me. 

Kai isn't my most valuable good, he is a boy deserves to be set free of me.

He deserves happiness. If it's unattainable with him and I together, then he has to do what's best for him.  

I would wait years for Kai.

I would wait forever if it meant at some point I would land right back onto his lap and see his smile again. 

Kai has always been a storm cloud with and without me, no denying, but I always felt that after his storm passed I was the rainbow that he hunted out. But maybe I was the storm cloud and he was rainbow. Maybe we were each others crying clouds and colorful glare. 

Loathing in pain is the worst way to conquer it.

For now it's all I could think about doing. Crying until the storm passed. 

It would be long before I saw the sunlight though. 

Tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, I knew exactly what was to come, but I knew that if I truly loved Kai I would go through hell and back to make sure at the end of the day he felt okay.

I had to let him go. For my own good and for his. 

Kai was going to leave for good and there was nothing more I could do about it.