of what could have beens and what ifs

.

{random, not much context around it, just angst}

Alyssa sighed, trying to prolong the silence, cause she knows once she start talking, it will be the end for them... she gulped. Nakita naman na talaga niya na mangyayari 'to, but at the same time, she hoped it will not end like this. She hoped for a different ending but she did expect this. 

Pero ni kailanman hindi siya naging handa sa sakit na mararamdaman niya once this happens. 

Den bit her lip. She hates it. She hates it that they are in this situation. She's mad at herself for not having the courage to just accept herself and tell everyone else who she really is. 

Mahal niya si Alyssa but she just can't...

"Den," it took everything for Alyssa to call Dennise, the person whom she dearly loved, more than anyone else, while thinking of the possibility that this might be the last chance she'll get to say her name. 

Den closed her eyes, she don't wanna hear it, she don't want this to end, but they both know this has to stop. 

To save the both of them from destroying each other. 

"Remember that one night? When we were together, no'ng hindi pa klaro sa'tin lahat, you asked me to hug you, and I did, and I kissed your head as you fall back to sleep, I myself was sleepy as you that time but I remember myself smiling before going back to sleep, I wanted that same moment to happen for the rest of our lives. I wanted to kiss your face, make you feel how much I adore you and that you will always be safe in my arms. That night, I know we were still friends but I knew I wanted so much more. 

Di ba nung umamin ako sayo, I told you I already expected you'll not feel the same way... I already expected that, ready ako sa rejection but the opposite happened, and that was the time I told myself maybe, maybe I deserve to be loved back, too. 

Alam ko namang mahal mo 'ko, I can feel that, through your own ways, and I told you there's noting to rush about, and no pressure... I know being in this kind of situation is hard for you, and I'm sorry if I dragged you in this," Den wanted to oppose but she let Alyssa continue, "you told me before that if I get tired, sabihin ko di 'ba? And I promised you I will be honest..."

Alyssa paused, her tears won't even stop, she sighed heavily. 

"Den, mahal kita, pero ubos na 'ko," Ly said, "and I don't want that someday isisisi ko sa'yo lahat, na ibabalik ko sa'yo lahat yung sakit kasi masyado na kong nasasaktan. Gusto kong sabihin na kaya ko pang maghintay, pero baka pag dumating yung panahon na handa ka na, baka ibang Alyssa na yung makasama mo. I'm afraid I turn into a different person just to cope with this pain, I'm sorry I couldn't wait for you anymore," Alyssa managed to say, before letting out a loud sob. 

Den looked away, she can't see Alyssa like this, breaking down in front of her because of her. She wiped her own tears. She knows for a fact that Alyssa's hurting and enduring it all this time. Hindi lang naging matapang si Den to talk to Alyssa about it. Cause she didn't want this to end. 

Den clenched her jaw, remembering all the moments she had to keep Alyssa a secret and pretended to be okay in dating the guy her sister asked her to date. She knew, from the start that this will hurt Alyssa but she pretended everything is okay when Alyssa told her she understands. 

Den pretended everything was okay even though deep inside she knows her love for Alyssa was selfish and toxic. 

Mahal niya si Alyssa, but she just can't tell everyone the truth that she's indeed in love with her friend who happens to be same sex.  

She wanted to tell Alyssa to wait a little bit more, na hahanapin niya lang yung lakas ng loob, but she knows letting Alyssa go is the least thing she can do to compensate for all the pain she caused Ly. 

"Alyssa, I'm sorry," Den's voice broke, with regret and feeling sorry for the woman she love so much, "I'm sorry for everything," she repeated, Alyssa was about to hold her but she stopped her, "please, don't, stop saving me from myself... 

I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain dahil sa'kin, I was selfish for keeping you kahit alam kong masasaktan lang kita, I believed everything will be okay and I will be able to have the courage but that never happened, cause I was so afraid to even try. I took you for granted. Alyssa, mahal kita, and thank you for telling me this. For being the brave one between us, and I hate it, when you should be angry at me but here you are, looking at me like that, that look of love that never changed kahit sa mga pagkakataong alam kong gusto mo nang sumuko," Den smiled at Ly, "please, please be happy, you deserve to be loved back the way you love..... I'm sorry I can't be that one."

Alyssa tightly closed her eyes, gusto niyang bawiin lahat ng sinabi niya, she wants to tell Den she can still wait, she can still hold on for a little longer, but Den knows her too well.

"This time, sarili mo naman 'yung piliin mo," Den said as if she read Alyssa's mind, Ly looked at her, Den smiled, "you've chosen me a hundred times over yourself, this time, sarili mo naman."

Ly bowed her head down, accepting the truth that this night indeed is the end.

Dennise looked around the apartment they both call home. Inside these four walls, they were everything they wanted to be, they are the people who they really are,,, but there's a world outside it, and that's the harsh reality and society we all live in.

She looks at Alyssa again, "thank you for loving me and all that comes in loving me, Ly. I love you. Please, be safe," Den said, staring at Alyssa for a while, contemplating, until she left and closed the door. Leaving Alyssa and their home.

Alyssa slept at the couch that night, asking herself why choosing herself has to hurt this way... not thinking she deserve to choose herself over anything that forces her to compromise everything.

But eventually, everything will make sense. 

For now, let it hurt.