Attraction

53.

I've made many mistakes in my life, but I can't say falling in love with Paul was one of them. I can't regret falling in love with him because he's always going to be a part of my life.
Paul stayed over last night, he slept in my bed although we did nothing except peacefully sleep beside one another. He was gone by the time I woke up and left nothing but a letter, one that I've read three times since I've woken up today.

You mean the world to me Willow. I know I've lied to you countless times about things, I lied to you when I told you the danger was gone. The danger will never be gone, bad things happen because that's life but I'm always going to be by you to protect you from them. I know I had led you to believe and question wether or not I have ever actually loved you and for that I'm so sorry. I do love you, I never stopped. Everything I do is for the sole purpose of loving you rather than trying to hurt you and I'm begging you to try to remember that always.
I never knew I could love another person this much, I didn't think it was possible but that was all before I met you. You're always going to mean so much to me, wether you go on to date someone else or you get back with Matt I'm always going to wish the best for you in life because you deserve to smile. I write this letter to you not to say goodbye but to wish you well in the life ahead of you. I realize we can't be together in the way I had once hoped, sometimes life doesn't always go the way we planned which is very painful. I thought we had forever together to have late night phone calls, holding you close to me at night, listening to the sound of your infectious laugh, but life isn't fair. Don't take this as me leaving your life, I'll never truly leave you. Thought we may not be able to be together romantically, I'll just be here as your friend, as someone to keep you safe whatever you need me to be. I'm always going to look back on my memories with you fondly, you're always going to have a place in my heart. I love you.

Paul.

The tears that left my eyes stung but not as much as the pain in my chest of the realization that this was his way of letting me go. The painful expectance that no matter how badly I longed to be with Paul, or how much I missed being his girlfriend that just couldn't happen anymore. For whatever reason, that could not longer happen—And it hurt so much. Maybe he's right, maybe all of this was truly for the best, he's trying to let me go so I shouldn't make this any harder... I have to do the same.

After crying for a while I pick myself up off the floor and take a long hot shower before getting dressed to go to work. I try my best to ignore the pain in my chest but it feels just like that first day when Paul had broken up with me, like a endless amount of pain. I get home from work around five before crashing in bed as I sleep for hours, by the time I wake up it's already early in the morning but I don't mind it.

I skip the coffee and go for a jog instead as I turn the volume up so the music coming from my headphones blurs out my thoughts.

Day after day, and month after month that's how my mornings continued. I would wake up, go to work, come home and sleep. And on my off days I did things like go for long jogs and started taking up art classes at the local shop on the edge of Forks once every week.

Things started to come together a little more when Matt would come over and we would plan days to hang out. He became such a big part of my life that I've become so used to having him around. I don't hear from Paul very much anymore, he texts me every now and then to see how I'm doing and we check in with one another. We're friends. But as the months have continued, Matt and I have grown into something other than just friends.

Tonight we're going out again but he won't tell me what he has planned, it feels like we're in a relationship—We do a lot of the things that could signify us as a couple, I've even let him kiss me a few times. I feel happier.