Captivation

30: Inexcusable

Inexcusable (adjective): too bad to be justified or tolerated.

It’s late, maybe eleven, and I’m sitting in bed, stewing, angry at Henry, angry at me. Although, I am not sure what exactly I am angry about. It’s almost day eight; and I hate that I have been counting the days since we left Felticion.

I stand up and walk over to the little table in my room, I touch the ink well on it and then I turn and kick the wall. It hurts my foot, but I refuse to recognize the pain.

I lean on the wall and slide down it until I’m sitting on the floor. I look at my splinter wound, which now is a small thin line, looking at it, I never would have guessed it would have hurt so bad.

“You represent my life right now.” I tell the injury, I touch it, and it hurts like a bruise.

It’s started raining, and I hear the first telltale clap of thunder. I hate thunderstorms. I don’t mind them so much when I’m on land, but I know that they are much more powerful at sea.

When the rain begins pouring down harder I sigh and walk over to my bed. I’m about to give up my thoughts and go to sleep when my door opened, and I almost think it could be from the wind. The sounds of the rain amplify and I look over. The door closes and Henry walks in, soaked.

“What are you doing…?” I ask as he walks closer to me.

Instead of answering me, he opens a cabinet I never use and pulls out a towel, drying his hair and face with it.

“You’re wet.” I tell him, talking because I feel uncomfortable.

“It is raining.” He points out.

“Why are you here?” I ask, sitting on the desk.

“I know you hate thunderstorms.” He says.

I look at him, not remembering telling him that. I try to recall any moment of admittance, and then I remember being in his room that first rainy night, and I jumped as the thunder clapped. I am surprised he remembers, or that he even really noticed.

“I don’t need to be babied.” I tell him.

Henry pauses and looks at me, “That’s not my intention.”

I cross my arms, and look at him. “Well then what were your intentions?”

“To be here? Being afraid of nature isn’t childish. Nature is a force to be reckoned with.” Henry says, confused and trying to explain himself.

“Why were you out in this?” I ask him.

“I had to tie the sails down.” Henry tells me.

“You got water on my floor.” I clasp my hands behind my back, being difficult on purpose.

“Inexcusable, I know. I am so sorry, Lady Madelyn.” He mocks.

“Your words do nothing for me.” I say, taking on a snobbish tone of voice, playing along with our argument.

He pauses. “Words always kind of fall short, don’t they?”

“They do.”

We are silent for a moment, realizing how quickly we fell back into our rhythm of banter. Henry is looking at the water dripping off his shirt, and finally I decide to be productive. I yank at the tie in my hair, trying to free it from the waves of my hair that eat little pins and ties. Henry is watching me, looking amused, and I finally free the tie and my hair falls down in a sheet of dark brown waves. It is impossibly knotty. I get up and find my brush. I don’t start at the ends, because it takes too long, and I really don’t care about my hair much. Brushing takes me longer than I want and at one point my hair was so tangled that raking the brush through my hair made my eyes water. Once I’ve finished I admire my destruction in the mirror.

“You should wear it down more often.” Henry says.

I look at myself in the mirror. “No.” I say.

“Why not?” He asks.

I grab my all of my hair into one hand, “It’s thick, and wavy, and it makes me hot, and it gets in the way.” I tell him.

“You look good with it down.” He tells me.

“I was not informed that my comfort should be spared for the pleasure of your eyes.” I say, sounding sharp and bitter when I don’t mean to.

Henry opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but then he closes his mouth, saying nothing, and leaving me wondering what he was just thinking, and why he thought it better to not say anything at all.

Once he speaks I almost wish he hadn’t. “I think I always knew I would fall in love at some point, I knew I wasn’t fireproof…” Another pause and realize I’m holding my breath. “The first time I saw you I thought you were beautiful. Your hair fell out of that helmet like it fell out of that tie. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t known sooner, because you were very small to be a man…and the look in your eyes could have killed, which I think is typically a specialty of women…killing with mere glances.” He smiles and then goes on. “You were different. But that was not what attracted me to you. Everyone is different, if you get to know them well enough. You called me out. It hurt my pride and wounded my spirit, but I needed it, even if I didn’t want it.”

Another pause. “I found myself looking for you during the day. I found myself wanting to impress you.” Now he laughs. “You are not so easily impressed.” He looks over at me. “I would deny women, but that wasn’t enough, I would take up for you, and still that wasn’t enough…and then, I don’t know what it was, I think the change must have been you as much as it was me, and you told me that I ‘wasn’t as bad as my reputation’.” He looks back at the ceiling. “That made such an impact Madelyn, I don’t know if you could fathom it.”

“I’m terrified I’ll ruin you.” He says finally. “I never expected someone like you, I never thought there could be someone like you.” He looks at the floor “Madelyn?” He asks.

“Yes?” I say.

“I can’t let myself be in love with you.” He says.

Silence hangs in the air, and his words float around the room, echoing in my mind as the rain pours down.

“You had no problem with it in Felticion.” I say, trying to figure him out, trying to peek at his cards.

“I can be a different version of myself there.” He says. “The me I am here, this me cannot be in love, Madelyn.”

“The Captain never stays with one woman more than once.” I say, having heard this more than once.

“So we’re back to my reputation?” Henry asks.

I cover my face with my hands, attempting to mask the hurt that is manifesting itself on my features. “Please leave, you scare me more than this storm.”

Henry stands still for a while, unmoving, but he gets up and leaves closing the door as lighting strikes somewhere far off in the horizon.