her name || b.e.

004

lola

i sit in the car as i wait for jax to take me home. he gave me his keys and told me to wait for him while he said goodbye to his friends.

i still can't believe what happened. i never expected to almost be sexually assaulted, and i definitely didn't expect billie to come rescue me.

i wish i would've said something else to her. i should've thanked her, or asked for her number. instead i was standing there like a dumbass, enchanted by her eyes.

jax opens the car door and hops into the drivers seat. i know he's drunk, and i know that he shouldn't be driving, but i don't care. all i want to do is go home and lay down in my comfortable bed.

the drive home is silent. i can tell jax is uncomfortable. i get it. i wouldn't know what to say either.

sometimes silence is better than saying something.

i put my phone on silent. i don't want to have to deal with the drama that will happen because of the fight. i don't want to have to explain to my dad why i'm trending on twitter again. i don't want him to see me like that.

i think about what happened sophomore year. how i put trust in the wrong person, and i ended up screwed over. the stares i got while walking down the hall. the teacher's disappointed looks. the snickers of my fellow classmates. my dad's broken expression

—————-

for most of the day i had no idea what was going on. i deleted twitter awhile ago and tried to remove myself from that toxic app. it wasn't until lunch when i found out.

i got an airdrop from josh. a link.

i opened it and what i saw horrified me.

i saw myself. my exposed flesh. unsolicited pictures of me. pictures i wouldn't want anyone to see.

i already knew who took them. he told me it was our secret. for our eyes only.

i ran out of the cafeteria with my head down, tears threatening to spill. i rushed to my car, and to my surprise, jax was already there waiting for me. 

he gave me a hug and told me that it was going to be okay. i let him drive me home and he cuddled me until i fell asleep.

when i woke up he was gone. i knew he had baseball practice at 3:30, but i didn't want him to go.

i sat in my room crying. running a sharp blade across my delicate inner thigh. i wanted the pain to go away. i didn't want to feel anymore.

this wasn't the first time i had caused myself pain. i did it all the time.

my mom left me after i was born. my dad broke down and had a child with another woman two years later.

we were happy.

my stepmother treated me like i was her real daughter. my little brother played with me and relied on me.

everything changed once my stepmother passed.

my dad broke down. he left me and my brother alone. i was forced to take care of him at the age of six. i was forced to be the mother he wouldn't have.

i spent most of my life wondering why my mother left me. why she didn't love me enough to stay. why i wasn't good enough.

i started hurting myself when i was twelve. i was in a dark place and had no one to turn to. i was all alone in a vortex of conflicting emotions.

that's the year i met jax. he was the sunshine of my life. the light in a sea of darkness. my only hope.

he saved me from myself. and i'll never be able to repay him.

————
i check my phone and see a notification from instagram.

it's a dm from billie.