Hysterical letters to my sanity

lovers gone long

there had been so many hours stuffed beneath the sun of just the two of them
and she wished that she wasn't such a stubborn bitch sometimes
such a dumb girl who didn't care about anybody but herself
she wishes that she hadn't left for 6 months to go to that stupid school and now she's back and it's been two months and nothing feels the same
she wants to break open her chest and ask her heart what happened to the love because she looks at her and all she can think about is how her coffee stains aren't cute or clumsy anymore but rather dirty and distasteful
how her hair was actually butchered in that 4 am bathroom haircut and not just a messy adorable edgy look.
she missed when her voice sounded like a an orchestra of miserable musicians rather than feeling like she wasn't where she really wanted to be.
but she also remembered meeting her in an airport terminal and seeing this crying girl with big big brown eyes and a too big backpack that clearly weighed her down
she remembered how she thought she had seen her somewhere, maybe a magazine because she was beautiful. but no it was at a debate team meeting the previous december
she went to their rival school and had won every time.
that debate knowledge would make a lot of their fights quite bad and always ending in frustrated tears because she always had to win
she wasn't like any other girl
she would be heard weather you liked it or not
whatever you wanted didn't matter
and it was almost okay because she would hug you like holding you close was the only thing she knew how to do.
she would sing little songs she made up on the spot to you and make you tea every morning even if you never ask.
she would never wear pants and watch her tv shows way too loud while also playing music and writing new stories on her phone.
she was a constant headache that she couldn't get rid of and somehow never wanted to.