Hysterical letters to my sanity

✮ the voices who whisper your desires

I will never be satisfied by anyone I don't think— perhaps not even myself. Validation can be found amongst many things, many vendors, or merchants who will tell you that all you have to do is say yes. Give in. They will whisper in your ear all the last prayers of sinners while demanding you sell your soul too. I have craved contentment within love stories in books and dreams of my childhood; I have begged desperately for gratification from objects who hold no compassion for me, only caring for my dependence on them. I have even stained my own pride trying to find my entertainment in the palms of others, or perhaps their hands were trying to dig through my flesh, my muscles, my tendons and pull out my bones so they could feast; like the wolves they are. The wolves we all are. And yes some of us howl at the moon, live in our packs or lead lives bordering freedom and loneliness. Some even wearing the skins of sheep and falsely comforting smiles. But there is blood on their chin, look past what you don't want to see and you'll notice quite how big their eyes are, how they are filled with incomprehensible hatred. Some people are so angry they must make the world suffer for it.
I read a poem about a lonely woman who thought of love like god, all consuming, all knowing as well as unseen. She goes to a sea witch for prophecy as one would go to a Priest for their prayers— she asks to find someone who loves her forever and the sea witch tells her that forever is a long time— forever is a long time and that is why I find comfort knowing I do not wish to depend on that of others for my value but still—loneliness and freedom are a border that wears thin. I think being free as a child made me find intrigue in the things I was scared for— scared to be sliced by the sword but willing to wield it. Fearful of the bite but bearing teeth and fangs fiercely. The sea witch gave the woman a ocean stained mirror and told her that forever was a long time and just like eternity she didn't offer refunds— the woman understood and she took herself to coffee with a cigarette. I like to take myself to coffee with the company of my mind, and birds, and music that makes me feel present. I cannot wait to find someone I love when I am old enough to love myself in more ways than 19 or 22. I want to dip my toes in every ocean on the planet before I fall in love with someone, I want to fall in love with the universe before I fall in love with a soul and maybe in that I will.
Do not grieve for my lack of love life for I have a active relationship with many things. Art and stories, goddesses and gods, fables and fictions, my friends, laughter, reading, watching the sun rise and set, staring in awe at the full moon, staring in awe at myself.
One day I will go to a sea witch to learn about love and loneliness, she will probably tell me to sign an NDA in today's climate but I will sign nonetheless— because if there was one book I never want to put down it would be mine.