Hysterical letters to my sanity

persistence or perseverance or something like that

There is a fighting storm of contradictions tearing me up inside at all times.
I am soft, I am brutal, I am kind, I'm a bitch, I love you , I hate you, I cherish, I wallow, I grieve and be grateful.
and sometimes I find myself justifying all of it into the mere sentence of "that's just being human"
I find myself hating being human, as well as hoping for it, my mortality, my body, my soul that is perhaps greater than all of it. My thoughts that are simply firing neurons, the things I touch which are simply bouncing particles. Yet I am still always cross with choices, be kind or be fierce, fight or flee, follow or lead, become or destroy.
I think I will forever be battling this unstoppable force with no name or reason, but still tomorrow I will wake up stronger and even stronger the next, and even if that is a lie I want to tell myself I will tell it again and again. I will scream it at the monster who constantly lurks because you cannot eat me whole, not this time, this time I will fight and be grateful for the pain. I am the one in charge and although the bad days are horrendous and they throw me against the wall In the worst kind of way, the good days are blessings, the good days are simple and sweet and often surprising.