my first and last || renmin

T w e n t y O n e - Gotta Go

An EMT loaded Jaemin into the back of an ambulance.

Renjun was allowed to ride with him in the back.

As the car started moving, Jaemin grabbed his hand.

"Do you know any poems?" Jaemin asked, his eyes fluttering from weakness.

"I know one."

"Read it to me." Jaemin's eyes closed.

"'The red wheelbarrow' by William Carlos Williams." Renjun thought for a while, trying to remember.

"So much depends upon.. a red wheelbarrow... Barrow glazed with rain water... beside the white chickens.."

"Is that it?" That was it but there was still another ten minutes of driving to do.

Renjun thought fast.

"No, of course not. Um.. what else.." Renjun thought for a minute before carrying on.

"So much depends upon a blue sky cut open by the branches of the trees... so much depends on the transparent G-tube erupting from the belly... of the blue-lipped boy.." Jaemin smiled weakly, he was barely conscious.

Renjun cradled his head in his arms before continuing.

"So much depends upon this observer... of the universe." Jaemin drifted off to sleep.

***

One of the less bull-shitty conventions of the cancer genre was one known as the 'Last good day'.

This was when a victim of cancer found themselves unexpectedly with some hours when it seemed like the inexorable decline had suddenly plateaued, when the pain was for a minute bearable.

The problem was that there was no way of knowing that your 'Last good day' was your last good day.

At the time, it was just another decent day.

Renjun's phone buzzed and he answered it.

"Hi, Jaemin." Renjun smiled.

"Good evening, Huang Renjun." Jaemin's voice was strong today and Renjun was happy to hear it.

"Quick question for you. Did you write that eulogy I asked you to prepare?"

"I may have..." Renjun answered, a soft smile on his face.

"Excellent. Do you think you could find yourself at the literal heart of jesus in 20 minutes? I love you Renjun~" The call ended, Renjun was confused but he still stood to go.

"I gotta go." Renjun alerted his parents.

"You haven't eaten yet." Mrs. Huang was worried.

"I can't, I have to meet Jaemin."

"You haven't eaten a thing."

"I'm not hungry." Renjun wanted to go and meet Jaemin but his mom kept talking to him.

"You can't not eat, Renjun."

"I'm aggressively unhungry, okay?" He was starting to get annoyed.

"I have to go."

"Sit down." Mrs. Huang commanded.

"No."

"Renjun. Listen to your mother." Mr. Huang entered the room.

Renjun tried to push past his mom but she grabbed his shoulders.

"You have to eat, Renjun. You're not gonna starve yourself to death just because Jaemin is sick. You have to stay healthy-"

"I can't! I can't stay healthy because I'm not healthy, mom. I am going to die and leave you here. You won't have me to hover around you and you won't be a mother anymore. I'm sorry but I can't do anything about it, okay?! Now please, just leave me alone!" Renjun didn't mean to snap at his mother but it just happened.

"You heard me? You heard me say that to your father?" Mrs. Huang had tears in her eyes, Renjun looked away feeling terrible.

"Sweetie, I'm sorry, I was wrong, okay? It wasn't true. It's not something I believe." Mrs. Huang sat on the couch with her son, Mr. Huang sat across them both.

"As long as either of us is alive, I will be your mother. Even if you die, I-"

"When." Renjun corrected his mother.

She let out a sigh, "Even when you die, I will still be your mother. I will always be your mother." Mr. Huang was crying, all of them were.

"We're not gonna off ourselves. It's gonna hurt like hell to lose you but-"

"Renjun. You of all people know it's possible to live with pain." He took that in, his father's words rang true to him.

He nodded.

"I don't just sit around, you know?" Renjun was confused.

"I'm taking classes. Online. To get my master's in social work."

"You are?" Renjun was stunned.

"So when you're waiting for me outside support group or whatever, you're always-"

"Working or reading. If I get my MSW, I can counsel families in crisis or lead groups dealing with illness-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Mr. and Mrs. Huang didn't know what quite to say.

"We didn't want you to feel abandoned-"

"Are you kidding? Mom, this is awesome! This is fantastic! Oh my god!" Renjun interrupted his mom for a hug.

"I'm so excited! You're gonna be great!" Mrs. Huang smiled.

"Thank you. That means everything to me." They hugged again.

"I still want you to eat." Mrs. Huang said into the hug.

"I will. I promise but right now.. I really gotta go."

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(a/n: i am debating on whether i should rename this book "happy ending". should i?)

(a/n 2: i've decided not to, mfal had a better ring to it if you know what i mean.)