my first and last || renmin

T w e n t y T h r e e - Boyfriend

Renjun turned on the light by his bed, his house phone was ringing and it was 4 am.

He knew instantly and his head fell into his chest.

Renjun's bedroom door opened and it was his parents.

This only confirmed his worst fear.

He started to cry as his parents embraced him in the bed.

Jaemin died eight days after his pre-funeral in the ICU.

The cancer that was made of him stopped his heart, which was also made of him.

The whole thing was unbearable for Renjun.

Every second was worse than the last.

One of the first things they asked in the ER is to rate your pain on a scale from 1 to 10.

Renjun had been asked this question hundreds of times.

Once, when he couldn't catch his breath and it felt like his chest was on fire, the nurse had asked him to rate the pain.

Renjun couldn't speak so he held up nine fingers.

When he felt better later on, the nurse came in and called him a fighter.

She said it was because he called a ten a nine.

That wasn't the truth.

The only reason he called it a nine was because he was saving his ten.

This was it, the terrible ten.

Renjun sat in his car in the dark.

He was blaring the loudest music he could possibly blare, trying his best to drown out the horrors of the world.

The loud music wasn't protecting Renjun as much as he had hoped it would.

He fell apart nonetheless.

***

The place was filled with mourners for Na Jaemin.

Renjun came in with his parents and stood in the back, watching people he had never saw before approach the Na family and extend their deepest condolences.

When Mr. and Mrs. Na saw Renjun, they opened their arms.

"He loved you so much." Renjun nodded, hugging them back.

"He loved you so much too." More mourners approached the family leaving Renjun stranded in the receiving line.

His eyes turned towards the coffin, he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to go there but he took a deep breath and willed himself to walk towards it.

Jaemin was there in the same suit that he wore to Oranjee.

Renjun broke down and immediately caught himself.

"It's okay, you hear me? It's okay." He leaned forward and kissed Jaemin's cold cheek.

He looked around and once he was in the clear, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and stuck them between the lining of the coffin and Jaemin.

A minister approached at that moment.

"I think we're ready to begin." Renjun nodded and went back to his seat in the middle of the room next to his parents.

"Na Jaemin fought hard for many years. His battle was a courageous one and his strength was a source of inspiration for each and every one of us..." Renjun frowned, this was all a lie.

"What a load of shit, eh kid?" Renjun recognised that voice but it didn't make sense.

He turned around and sure enough, it was Jung Jaehyun.

"Let us pray." Everyone clasped their hands and closed their eyes.

Renjun kept staring at Jaehyun, he was too shocked to do anything.

"We need to fake pray now." Jaehyun bowed his head.

Renjun, still stunned, slowly turned back to the minister, trying to make sense of this unexpected appearance.

"Now I call on Jaemin's close friend, Jeno to say a few words." Jeno stood and walked up to the podium with someone's help.

Renjun snuck one more look at Jaehyun.

It was really him, it made no sense to Renjun.

Jeno started to speak, "Of all things I've lost in my life... this hurts the most."

Jeno stopped talking, it was unclear if that was the end or if he just couldn't go on, he returned back to his seat.

The minister walked back up, "And now we'll hear from Jaemin's... special friend Huang Renjun."

Renjun stood up and walked up to the podium, a few whispers were heard at the words "special friend".

"I was his boyfriend." Renjun said before opening up his notes.

He took a deep breath in, looking around at all the unfamiliar faces before looking back down at his paper.

He took another deep breath in before closing up his notes.

"Umm, there's a beautiful quote in Jaemin's home that says 'If you want the rainbow, you gotta deal with the rain.'" Renjun continued to speak, he didn't belive a word of what was coming out of his mouth but that was okay.