the selection

Chapter 19-Thank you Aaron

I have confronted Thomas and honestly it feels amazing to know that I now have answers to my questions, but I'm still avoiding everyone. My brother died, he is dead, and well I still don't understand his last words 'i'll see everyone soon' which doesn't make sense at all. You can't see or visit a dead person, sure you can talk and visit their grave, but meet them? Anyways everyone has been giving me my alone time, and allowing myself to process what shit just happened. I've spent most of my days outside with Freya, honestly she's helped me a lot throughout this, she's I don't know, she knows something is wrong, but she just comforts me. I guess I just don't feel ready to talk to anyone. Everyone's family has already left, Aaron's funeral service is in a week and a half from now, and that is when I will be leaving to attend to it. From what I heard from others, Lauren is going home, well not going home, since technically she is still here in the palace, she has told Adrian about their secret relationship, and is no longer in the selection. So now it's just me, Nixie, and Harper. Hadley had given us an assignment, we have to create a project that will benefit the country, or spread awareness to. We have two weeks to do this project, it's due the day before I leave for home, we also have to present it in the Capital Report. I am stuck, stuck is an understatement, everyone already has some ideas, but my mind is blank, I can't think of anything. I'm laying in my bed trying to think of some ideas, and honestly I'm coming up empty on everything. Lunch is in thirty minutes and today, I have decided to show my face at a meal time. I haven't showed my face at a meal time since Aaron has died, and it's been about a week. I still can't believe that Aaron is dead, I guess for me it haunts me more in my head, than at home. Everyone at home, sees sees stuff that was touched by Aaron, like his side of Max and Aaron's room. Max now has the room to himself. Katelyn and Jackson come by to visit everyday, and Jackson is helping Katelyn through the shock of loosing Aaron. Honestly when I confronted Thomas  and told him all the shit I felt, I felt like just for that moment and I guess more than I did before, control over my life, my body, and my brain. Even though now, it's screwed up, Aaron is dead, and was taken too early from this world.

I put on a simple grey day dress, I put on some mascara, bronzer, a little bit of blush, and lipgloss. I put on grey flats and I walk down to the dining room. I take a big breather when the door's open and everyone is looking at me. I quickly walk to my seat next to Nixie. Lauren is sitting with Gabe, but when she sees me, she walks over to the selected table and sits next to me. "How are you?"

"I'm doing okay, I guess"

"well you're doing better since you decided to eat in the dining hall"

"yea"

I started eating my food as everyone is still lingering their eyes towards me. I am really starting to get annoyed at them. I cleared my throat and everyone darted their eyes away from me.

"Adrian, something is of urgent matter" Officer Leger comes up to him. Adrian nods his head and mouths to me can I talk to you later? I nod my head as Adrian leaves. I don't make any other small talk to others, I just finish my food, excuse myself from the table and I quickly walk to my room. I change into my sweatpants and tank. I grab my vans and a hoodie. I walk to the outside of the palace and into the horse stable. I quickly say hi to Freya before I get her ready. When she is ready, I hoist myself up and we start running. Honestly I've never felt free from my life ever, but when I am out riding, it's like nothing matters, my worries and my problems are pushed aside for a moment. I always felt trapped in my body, in my heart, my head, my caste, my family sometimes, and honestly just life in general. Adrian never for me felt like I was being trapped or tied down in any sort of manner, but I still had doubts in my head. Was everything he ever said to me true, was his love for me fake, will I be hurt again, should I let myself fall in love with him. These questions well, they still were in my brain. We continued running until we went to the clearing where the lake was. I got off of Freya as she sat down and I just laid down next to her and started to observe the nature around me. I had heard from the stable boy that Freya was a rescue and she was abused by her previous owner, she had never let anyone in, or touch her until me. It was something we had in common, being abused and closed off, not trusting anyone. Freya and me, we had a special bond, I mean now, I can't imagine riding any other horse but Freya. I started to skip a few nearby rocks and just watch them ripple in the water. I petted Freya and she nuzzled me in the shoulder. I laughed lightly as I continued to just enjoy the more simple pleasures of life.