the selection

Chapter 17-Thoughts whirling through my head

I could see the heartrate monitor go blank, with just a line. Everyone else had started crying, but me, no, I am stunned for words. I can't think of anything. All I can think of is the last words that Aaron said to me. He dedicated his last words to me, no one else but me. He told me that I am not worthless and that I am special, the entire room knows, it but me. I can't see what is in front of me. I just sit there, tuning out the crying coming from my family. I can't move, my body isn't moving. My mind is just whirling. Aaron said that he was ready to go, that he would go in a few minutes, how does he know that. It's like he predicated that he's going into heaven in five minutes. His last words were to me. He only talked to me and he heard our conversation. A little boy, only eleven years old, is so much wiser than the rest of the room. I snap out of my thoughts when someone touches me on the shoulder, it was a move that Thomas used to do. I quickly turn around and I twist his arm. I am horrified to know that it is Adrian. "ow, ow, Cy let me go". I let Adrian go, and I am horrified at what I just did. I just run out of the room, with one tear rolling down my cheek. When I get to my room, I am forever grateful that my maids aren't here. I slam my door shut, and I lock it and I just flop on my bed. 

Why? Why did Aaron die? What does his last message mean? I will see you soon? He's dead, you can't see a dead person. Why did Aaron die? He left the world too soon, even though, he has accepted that he will die and that. He said that me and Adrian love each other even though we won't admit it. America and my mom both said that we do love each other, even though we won't say it. Aaron is dead, he is dead. My little fucking brother is dead, he is dead. His last words were to me. Why didn't he tell anyone else goodbye, he only told me advice about my insecurities. Aaron you are a fucking mystery and you didn't ever deserve to die. You were too young and you were taken by this world too soon. 

I had enough of my thoughts, I quickly grabbed my black vans and I sprinted out to the clearing. I went to the horse stable and I saw Freya there again. She seemed to notice that I was sad, and she nuzzled me. The stable boy came "she likes you, she hasn't found anyone to love yet, she likes you a lot, I haven't found one person who she likes more than you". I smiled at him as I quickly put a saddle on him. I walked him and and I hoisted myself on him. We started to run, and I felt free. The wind blowing in my hair, it's like all of my pain and problems just seemed non-existent in the moment. I could hear the nature buzzing around me, I could feel the thumps under the horse. I felt free, I never felt free ever. I was always a prisoner to this palace, and even if I wasn't, I was a prisoner to my mind, to my body, to my soul. I never felt like I could be free, but now I did. I felt free. When we stopped by the lake nearby, I hopped off of Freya and just took in everything. I sat there and Freya sat next to me. We just enjoyed each other's company, it was sometimes nice to be around not another human being, but an animal. I pet Freya as my mind was just blank. I wasn't thinking of anything right now, and I was grateful for my mind deciding to give me a break from my thoughts. I stayed there until the sun got started to set. So we started to ride back, I didn't really want to, but I knew that if I did stay out any longer, guards would be searching for me. I went back, and gave Freya a hug while putting away her saddle. I walked back into the palace, I skipped dinner, I didn't want to deal with anyone right now, so I walked out to the gardens. I just sat there, observing things, my mind was still giving me a break thank god. I just stayed out there until the moon was shining brightly. I had walked back into the palace to be greeted by my maids. They didn't ask any questions, they just exchanged worried looks and left me alone. They knew me all too well, that when, shit goes down, I want to be alone. I made myself a warm bath and I grabbed my current book. I just sat there, reading and enjoying the simple pleasures of life. I got out once the water had turned cold, I took a quick shower, and changed into my sweats and tank. I laid in my bed thinking about how different my life is now. Aaron is dead, his last words are very cryptic, I'm in the selection, I'm an elite, my friends all think I'm special, and I don't know who I am anymore, well I never knew who I was, but now I'm even more confused. There laid a knock on my door as I opened it, I had expected it to be Adrian, but it was even more shocking, what laid there was someone I never thought I would see again, nor would I even want to be near me. It was Thomas, I just stood there like an idiot, he touched my shoulder and caressed my face. I flinched thinking back to the memories. He whispered to me "I miss you, I know you want me". When I heard those words, thinking back to everything he had ever done to me, I snapped out of my haze, I kneed him where the sun does not shine, and he was taken aback by that and he clutched his precious jewels. I used the time he was distracted and I knocked him unconscious. I then asked for Leger to come take care of this. I didn't want to explain anything, he just did what he was told. I must have been really threatening. He was taken to the prisoner hold and put in a jail cell. When that was done, I just realized how messed up my life is. My psycho ex-boyfriend came back to haunt me, my brother is dead, I am avoiding everyone who cares about me, I don't want to see anyone. Two and a half months ago, I was living a simple life, a seamstress in a shop helping my family earn enough money to stay afloat, not thinking about what Thomas did to me. Now, everything is so damn messed up. Now my brain wasn't giving me a break at all. I tried to sleep, even though that definitely didn't work at all. My brain was whirling with thoughts, how did one simple thing turn my life upside down. Tears started to form in my eyes as I cried myself to sleep. The next day, I avoided everyone who came my way. My maids got me breakfast even though my brain was racked with too many thoughts to eat. I thought, it's time to visit the psycho ex-boyfriend and maybe get some answers.