Haircut (Beth Harmon X Benny Watts)

Chapter 14

I threw my chess paper in the brown basket. The basket was quite full, because I was the last to finish my game. Softly humming, I waited till the boy behind the desk had written the results down. He smiled content. For a second I thought that I recognized him.

"Well done, miss Harmon. You'll be playing against Watts tomorrow."

"Thank you." I smiled.

"I hope the game does end this time." He smirked.

Now I knew. "Aren't you one of the men who stayed till the end at Andy's Rook?"

"Yeah, I sure am. Collin Wilson is my name."

"Wilson?" I asked surprised. "Wasn't your mom good friends..."

"With your foster mother, yes. Alma always baked my birthday cake when I was little." He smiled.

I looked at the boy. He was in his early twenties and looked a lot like the woman who I met in the train. I thought it was strange. Alma almost never went somewhere. Maybe I was just too concentrated on chess to notice.

"She did visit us less and less, since her marriage got rough. And of course when she adopted you. But when she did visit she talked a lot about you."

I found it partly unsettling and partly moving that Alma talked so much about me behind my back.

"I haven't seen her in a while. It's such a shame."

Suddenly panic shot through my whole body. If Grace Wilson didn't know that Alma had passed, then why would his son know? I couldn't say it. I didn't want to think about it myself. Alma was the only one who was proud of me, next to Benny. And from the sparkle in Collin's eyes, I could see that she meant a lot to him too. But if she hadn't visited in a while wasn't it better this way? To live a lie, is sometimes less painful than the truth.

"Are you alright?" Collin looked at me with a concerned look. "You look a little pale. Do you want some water?"

I shaked my head quickly. "No thank you, I'm alright." I smiled softly.

"I just need to go to my room. Study and stuff..."

"You sure you're alright?"

I nodded an started to turn around.

"It was nice to talk to you." I said as I walked away, leaving him in confusion.

My head was spinning. I always pushed every bad thought of Alma away. She was a good dream in my mind and I didn't want to change that. I quickly walked outside. The cold winter air felt my lungs making me feel more at ease. I couldn't use bad thoughts, not now, not anymore.

After sitting on a bench outside and looking at the people around me for fifteen minutes, I found my peace again.

Good things, Beth, good things only, I thought.

I'm sober, I'm friends with Beltik again, I'm invited to Jolene's wedding, I won my last game of chess, Benny helped me. Benny helped me?

A small smile appeared on my face. I closed my eyes. I could see it all before me again. The glass, Motik's annoying face, Benny's face, Benny's hand on my shoulder. I felt warm inside. And scared.

Sometimes drugs and booze let out all of your feelings, but sometimes they stop them instead. And my sober mind and body weren't able to stop them on their own. Sobriety does weird things to a human.

Before I knew it I stood up straight. I smoothed my dress and walked to the dorms.

I wasn't going to say anything straight forward, I didn't wanted to make him mad or uneasy. I was just going to say thank you for the glass. I thought it was quite funny, he helped me and because of that I might get a chance to beat him. And God, I wanted to win from him so badly.

Benny and I always laughed at each other about the times we beat each other for the first time. He had  tried to act cool, but it didn't work that well. I laughed.

I walked inside the dorms. I hoped that he was going to be here. Could I just knock on the door or was that too weird. I hated that I had to think about everything.

I walked around the corner, and unfortunately he was there. And he was not alone.

I stopped in my tracks when I saw two arms around his neck and blonde hair in front of his face. She had a beautiful white dress on and it made me wanted to puke. I felt sick, from head to toe. I couldn't move, I was stuck. I felt like I was falling, but it wasn't ending. I wanted to scream, yell, tear them apart. But I couldn't fucking move.

I stood there a good 30 feet away from them. It felt like I wasn't there. Invisible. A tear fell down my cheek. Frozen and filled with anger.

After a few seconds I finally blinked again, making more tears fall down. I didn't want him to see me. Not that he would care.

I took a small step forward, wiping my tears away. It didn't help, before I knew it my cheek was wet again. I bit my lip so hard trying to held it in. How could he?

I slowly walked towards them. Why did I have to ask for the room next to him. Maybe this was the reason why he didn't want to?

I was almost at my door when the girl let go of him. Fuck, she was beautiful. More beautiful than I could ever be.

I looked away again, scared they would see my tears. But my sight was so blurry that I couldn't get the key in the lock. Come on, I thought.

"Beth." Benny's voice surprised and nervous at the same time. I blinked with my eyes one last time, before I looked at him.

He had a guilty expression on his face, I didn't know if that was making it better or worse.

"How you're doing?" He asked while putting his cowboy hat back on.

"Great." I managed to say. Please stop talking,  I thought to myself.

"Cool..." He said quietly.

The blonde girl next to him suddenly smiled. "Hi,I'm Sara!" She said happily. "Who are you?"

"This is Beth." Benny answered for me. "She plays chess too."

That was it? Someone who plays chess as well. Was I to him what Motik or the guy that smelled like anice was to me?

"A girl who plays chess? That's.... Odd."

I was about to explode. The tears in my eyes gave me a headache.

"Yeah." I almost whispered. "I'm going now." I smiled. But I knew Benny knew I wasn't okay. His eyes said it all.

"Beth..." Benny said as I walked inside and threw the door behind me shut.

Fuck him. Him and that stupid bitch. Fuck them all.

I couldn't hold my tears now. I sank down my knees. Trying to hold in my sobs so, they couldn't hear me outside.

He did it to me too. The same I did to him. Guilt was blending with my anger and sadness. I couldn't see clearly anymore. The whole room was spinning. I wanted it to stop, I needed it to stop.

I held my knees up to my chest. Was it revenge? Or did he love her? Was she the girl he had an appointment with yesterday? He never told me. Of course he wouldn't.

I was mad, furious. At him, the girl, Collin, Motik, Harry, Alma and moet of all myself. Why am I here? I could've avoided getting hurt, avoided feeling. But my dumb ass thought life might be good.

I stopped crying. I did it too myself. I need to erase it.

I crawled to the phone. My hand trembled with fear when I heard a voice on the other side of the line.

"Liquor store Ohio City, what can I do for you?"

"Do you guys deliver?"