Haircut (Beth Harmon X Benny Watts)

Chapter 17

"You invited him?!" I screamed at the phone in my hand.

"Shit, girl. Don't yell at me. Of course I invited him." Jolene said frustrated.

"But why?"

"That you ignored him for almost a year, doesn't mean I did."

"You never told me you stayed in touch."

"Would you have liked to hear it then?"

I groaned. Of course I wouldn't have liked it that Jolene and Benny stayed friends. I didn't even like it now.

"Maybe not..."

"Exactly." She said stern. "I did it for your own good, Cracker. "

"You expect me to say thanks now, don't you?" I asked grumpy.

"Well yeah. Kind of." She laughed.

"Well you're not going to get an apology. Because of you, I have to go to your wedding with Benny!"

"What's the problem with that?"

I sighed. "Because we both know, that I don't deserve a second chance and that Benny doesn't deserve a second nightmare."

"I know... But it was his choice. Wasn't it?"

"Yeah, but..."

"So just enjoy it! You secretly missed Benny for the last 9 months, why are you making such a bid deal of it?"

"I don't know." I lied. I knew that repeating my doubts and fears of hurting him, wasn't going to make her understand. She thought the was doing something good for both Benny and me, and I was thankful for that. But I was just too scared too think about a happy ending.

"Than that's settled. You'll go to the wedding with Benny." She said satisfied.

I sighed. "Alright."

There was a short silence between the two of us.

"But hey, I'm sorry you lost. "She said a whole lot calmer now.

The loss hadn't really hit me yet. And I didn't know if it was going to, what was weird, because it always did. When Benny pushed his queen, I realised that when he began to talk to me, I started to get sloppy. I made so many mistakes, but Benny either was also not paying attention or he was avoiding his win. Because he could have won in less than 3 moves.

Our whole conversation was so confusing, that the whole game felt like a blurr. Maybe I was just to hungover.

"Yeah, but I think I'm just rusty. He was lucky."

She laughed. "Of course you are."

I could talk for hours with Jolene. Every insecurity that I had, she smashed to the ground, with every dream I had, she encouraged me in her own way. And everytime I did something wrong, she would laugh in my face and call me Cracker. And in some weird way, it always made me feel better. But Jolene was getting busier everyday.

"But I need to go. Arranging a wedding is a lot more work than I thought it would be."

"Alright." I said a little dissapointed.

"I'll call you soon. I need to know what dress your going to wear, so it doesn't outshine mine."

I laughed. "I couldn't even if it tried. Talk you later."

"Later Cracker."

I hung up the phone and looked around me. What if Jolene was right? What if it was a good thing that Benny and I tried to get along again?

But I knew that the feeling that I felt yesterday, was a hundred times smaller that he probably felt. And I was scared that he would feel it again. I had relapsed so quickly after a small setback. What if I did it again?

I started to put my clothes in my bag. When I reached out to the book on the sidetable next to my bed, my eyes fell on a small piece of paper. And suddenly I remembered.

"Beth, you stupid ass." I whispered. Now I understood why Collin was so mad at me. I told him , that the woman, who he saw as an extra mom had died in the most rude way possible. I felt so terribly guilty, but I was afraid that if I confronted him he would ignore me.

After searching for a minute, I found a pen and a piece of paper in my bag. And sat down in the seat in front of the desk, and started to write.

Dear Collin,

I'm not good in apologies, but I know I owe you one. I messed up. Big time. I had a bad night, what made me accidentally pick up a bad habit, that I'm desperately trying to get rid of. I found it horrible that I was lying to you, but Alma's death still hurts me so much, that I couldn't share it with anyone yet. But because of the guilt and the wine, my messed up mind decided to tell you. And I know that this doesn't make anything right that I said, even though I don't remember all of it.

Alma wasn't the best mother in the world, but she was the best mom I ever had. She teached me a lot and I cared about her deeply. I still can't believe she's gone sometimes. And I get that it will probably be hard for you too.

So I'm sorry.

Beth Harmon.

I noticed that I was crying, once I wrote down my name. Two tears fell on the piece of paper, luckily missing the lettres. I wiped the tears in my eyes away and folded the piece of paper. I wrote his name on the front.

Collin Wilson

With the letter in my hand, I silently walked through the halls. When I looked around the corner, I saw that Collin was nowhere near his desk. So I quickly walked to the table and laid the letter on top of the results. There was no way he wasn't going to find that.

I quickly walked away when I heared footsteps, but I was too late.

"Beth!" The familiar voice said, but I knew it wasn't Collin.

I turned around to see Benny walking up to me. He didn't have his hat on so his messy blonde hair danced along everytime he took a step forward.

I didn't reply to him, but waited untill he stood right before me.

"I didn't mean to psych you out during the match." He said. But I didn't hear any regret in his voice.

"I thought you said you didn't need to do that if you wanted to win."

He smirked. "You've grown, Harmon. More than I thought you could."

"Well, it doesn't feel like it." I said, fixating my look behind him, because I didn't to want to look at his cocky face.

"Believe me, you did." He answered, moving his head so I had to look at him.

I scoffed, but didn't reply. I didn't get what was going on inside his head, because I just had the worst 2 days of my life.

"I'm still sorry for the girl, you didn't have to see that." He said. He let his true voice break through for a second. The voice he never used when people were around. It always made me happy, when he used that voice.

I nodded. "It's okay."

He looked at me for a few seconds, with a concerned look in his eyes.

"But I have to get going. Don't want to drive to while night back to New York."

"Yeah, that's a long trip." I smiled softly.

And he smiled back.

Both thinking about the first trip to New York together.

"But I'll talk to you later, you know for Jolene's big day." He said breaking me out of the warmth of the memory.

"Yeah, I'll see you in two weeks."

"See ya." Benny said. He gently touched my shoulder and gave it a light squeeze, like he always does.

When he walked away his black coat hovered behind him.