Into The World I Go

Treasurer

So I am afraid of guys. I was asked by the president of my Christian club thing which is the guy I like to be the treasurer for next semester. And so I had to talk to him about it and I'm going to do it. And so he called me today. And wow. I freaked out. Like I had drank a carbonated drink and the burns were coming out. I was out of breath like I couldn't breathe. I was shaking during the whole two minute call with him. If I can't handle even talking to him on the phone about businessy stuff then what would I do if he did like me and told me. I think I would hyperventilate and pass out. He for sure probably heard how panicky I was on the phone with him.  Now I'm even more freaked out on how will I be able to not freak out when someone likes me back and wants to be in a relationship. Or even just wants to talk to me. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Romeo is really going to be a growth thing for me. God is for sure going to use him for me to get more comfortable around guys. Especially the ones I like. I did ask for it. I did ask to be able to spend more time with him to grow myself. Because I have relationship anxiety and like the thought of a relationship in actually real life and like the possibility thing freak me out. Like fantasy me is just chilling but in real life I have the social skills of a tomato and not the one on veggie tales. I'm just praying that with this new trial of growth for me with guys that it will not be a long one and I will be able to grow fast with this one. Because if I'm going to be working closely with Romeo now from my new position then I need to be able to handle myself around him and not hyperventilate.  So I need to grow fast. I also need to stop over thinking because I be overthinking everything. The other night we had a meeting for student orientation that's happening for our campus and it's online and new. And like we were praying for each other and I was praying for this one girl and. Like I don't pray good out loud. My brain like doesn't know what to say especially around Romeo. And so I paused to think and stumble and did a laugh and like ended my prayer and in the zoom chat I can see him smiling like he was smiling at me laughing at musk for stumbling on prayer. And when he had called me about doing the new student orientation he left a voicemail because I was at work and couldn't answer and he very much sounded like he wrote it all down and practiced. And I don't know why he called me because he had sent a group chat with all the people he was asking. Like did he call anyone else or just me. I wonder if he knows that I like him or is just very oblivious to it. Because me giving him that nerf gun was a dead give away.  But as far as I can see he didn't react to that like other guys when they found out I liked them which was either ignore me, act weird or tortured me about it. He's still acting normal. Like he's talking to me more but those are like asking me to do those things like the orientation and treasurer. Like I'm still wondering why me to be treasurer unless there is no one else who could and I'm last resort or did he just want the opportunity to talk to me more and stuff. See this is me over thinking and that's not good. It has been two and a half months since he was denied by my roommate after a year of liking her so there is no chance that he could like me yet. Like actually like me. Because I think when he is asking a girl out he is planning for her to be the one he's going to marry. Like I think he's ready to get married and settle down you know.  But I am assuming here and he could possibly it think like that. That he just wants to see if he likes likes her. Also today in Orientation we were introducing ourself to the students and said out major and years and I said i am a fourth year but I still have a year left and he smiled to that. I think he did. Like he was happy I'm not leaving. But this is me over thinking and that's not good. I just want to be in a relationship so bad but also I'm freaked out by it. Therefore I'm screwed.

01/15/2021