Into The World I Go

My Depressed Thoughts

Just walking into the 3rd townhome I felt so alone. Then the sermon happened and I felt even worst. I felt it's my fault. I don't know how to connect to people I don't know how to talk. I CAMT even be emotionally there for someone. But then I think we'll why can't people fight for me. I always taught for my friends in high school. Because if I wasn't the one they wouldn't really even talk. AMD I don't want to be alone. I'm so desperate for people. But I don't even know what to even do. AMD the. I remembered how when my dad died. I felt so alone. Some people would check in. But it was just a how's I going and nothing much. They would say they were there for me. But it didn't feel like it. What people have done anything extraordinary for me. I even feel stupid for letting myself feel this way. I walked right out of that house and no one said one thing or did anything. And all I want is someone to care. I want attention. Because I feel so lonely.  But then I don't. I want to push them away. I want to cry. I want to let it out. But I can't even do that. I feel dead inside. And truly dead inside. And now I'm feeling like I'm just making a scene. And that I shouldn't even be doing this. That I should be in the townhouse having fun. But I don't want to. It's hard to even fight this feeling. I just want to give up. I can only depend on myself. There are more important people then me. I'm just being selfish.  There are time when I feel like this and think. How would all of these people feel or do if I just died. And I think. Nothing. They may cry for a little or be like oh no what a shame. AMD go back. Have I ever made a impact on someone. And I think no. I am a mediocre Christian that is quiet in the background. Always in the background. AMD I even feel stupid now for like wow get over it. You're so full of it. AMD then wow. I'm a horrible friend. I can't even help be there for The roommate I share a room with through this scary thing that is happening. I can't do anything right. I just want to drive away and just leave. Leave everything. I want my dog. My dog feels like my best friend. I just want to disappear. Now I feel ashamed of how I'm feeling and don't want to face people. I want to avoid them. I don't even want to speak. I think I've been out here for like 20 minutes now. My hands are cold. My nose is cold. But I don't want to go inside. I want to drive. But my keys and bag is in the house. AMD I don't want to go in the house. AMD even if I went and got them. I camt leave without telling my roommates. But then I don't even want to say anything. I feel needy. I feel like I'm selfish. I just am a attention seeker. I feel selfish for wanting someone. Someone to be by my side. I feel ugly. I feel like I'm to broken. I feel like I'll never be ready for a relationship. That I don't even deserve one. Wow the one thing that can get me tear up. My dad. I miss him. AMD I just want his comfort. I want to hug my dad and just feel the love. Because he meant so much to me. He cared about me so much. He always made me feel loved when no one else did. I miss him. I just want to be held.  My dad was the one that loved me. When my mom didn't. When my grandma didn't even care. And thought I would just become a person that did drugs AMD stole. My friends didn't care and couldn't even be there for me emotionally. When they all left me. I'm always left. I'm always unwanted. I think it's been 30 minutes now. The tears stopped. I can't even cry much. And I just want to bawl. I do t want anyone to come out here. I don't want them to see me and question. The only person I trust enough is my one roommate . No one even knows. It's been 40 minutes now. My fingers are cold and hard to move. But they don't hurt. I'm not even shivering. I feel like I've calmed down. I still want my roommate. And I should still talk about it. But I don't want to go inside still. Right now I'm feeling. If I just passed out right here. And needed someone to help. I'll be here all night. And die. I think I heard a door. And I don't want them coming to their cars. I don't want them to see me. I only want My roommate too. I keep staring at the  Big Dipper. Don't know why. Just am.  50 minutes. Still staring at the Big Dipper. I heard another door open. Now I feel nervous. I feel stupid. Why am I behaving like this. Why can I just be happy. I feel like I'm making a scene. 55 minutes. Im writing this all down. Because if I don't I'll forget and won't even know there's something wrong. So wrote everything pretty much. I feel selfish. And a hour. And I feel stupid. And that I'm just being dramatic. Starting to believe I proved my point. 1 hour and 10 minutes. If I see someone. I'll probably head inside. Welp. Can't even go Inside. The door is locked. 1 hour 20. Heard a door again. I'm cold. My hands are really cold. And my nose is. I'm such a downer. I don't even want to talk. I just want to be a sad person and lay in my warm bed. It's currently 52 degrees out here. 1 hour 30 minutes almost 40. And no one will ever know what happened.

2/22/2021