Into The World I Go

Can I Get Back To Happy?

I haven't written anything in so long. I've been doing great for a while.  I've been happy and growing as a person. And I've had the feeling that I might have a chance with morph suit guy. Like I've been having a lot of dreams with him lately. I have five in like nine days. And before I had dreams where he didn't like me and just ignored me and then they have slowly getting to where he likes me. It starts as I feel as he could like me and it's moving up to the point where we've confessed our feeling and are starting to date. But randomly in one of them he completely ignored me and even acted as he hated me. I don't know why that dream happened when I've been feeling so positive about him. I don't know. Today I feel sad. I haven't felt this sadness in a long long time. And I hate it. All of these thoughts that came into my head when I was depress is coming back. I feel as I'm a loser. I have no friends back home anymore besides my cousin which is just sad. And here at college I have two. And they have other friends and I only have them. And I feel lonely and wish I had more people to spend time with. I need people and I can't just have the two to depend on because they are probably tired with being around me. Im always with them and I know I'm annoying. I've been told I'm annoying by people. It just makes me feel as no one likes me. That I'm just a pity friended person. They pity me so they are like we are going to Hang our with her. I feel as sometimes people don't appreciate me. I give people car rides all the time and all they can say is thank you. Like they have no thought of hey this cost gas I should help her out or at least pick up the garbage the left in my car. I just wish I got more care from people then I get. I'm a person who needs to hear how they are appreciated and why. I need to know why someone says something such as when someone says they are proud of me. I need to know why because I don't understand and I don't see it. I feel as people don't care that I'm here. That if I left they'd just forget me and move on with their lives as if I was never here.  I've felt like that most of my life. As if no one really cares that I'm alive and I'm just a waste of resources. When I get like this I never do the things I should be doing. Like right now I should be praying about this, but I can't. I just can't. I have no motive to do much but be sad. Social media is the only thing I have during this time that helps me forget that I'm sad. It wastes time to get the day over with so I can hopefully feel better the next day.  I feel as all of these in securities I've been fighting with for months are coming back to me.  They are making me feel before everything I did to get better. I was happy. I was actually happy for months. I had no depression episodes. And her me it is back and attacking me. It's also not helping with my insecurities about my weight because all I want to do is eat and continue eating because I feel horrible and food tastes good and makes me feel better. Food I believe has been an escape for me. I use to be very skinny as a child and problems started happening in my family and I started to eat more food and less healthy food. I eat so much and I feel horrible about it. I don't know how to control my hunger. And I'm so scared I'm going to be back to 300 pounds. I had worked so hard to get to 264 pounds with my diet before college and I'm going back up. I know that last time I checked like four months ago I was back to the 270s.  I just wish I was able to control myself and not let things affect me and make me want to eat. But it's so hard. It's hard to smaller portions when all I do is crave and crave. Like I just crave meat at times when I'm not going to have any. I need help with controlling my cravings. I hope this episode doesn't last to long. I want to get back to happy.

03/19/2019