He wasn't

Prolouge

**Prolouge**

Lexington, 2013

There was a time in my life that I kept asking myself; "What does it mean to truly love another?" I thought I knew the answer: Does it mean that I'd care for Nate more deeply than myself and that we'd spend the rest of our times together? We once talked about our future together. He told me he had planned and thought so much about us. It meant that I would have to leave my job and depend on him. He would have a steady job, live in a nice big house with a white picket fence; buy a van or SUV big enough to haul our kids to school or in ballet lessons and football practice. 2-3 kids, he was never sure about that. But my hunch is that when that time comes, we would let nature takes its course and allow things to happen naturally. He once said that I shouldn't be scared of what might happen between us and just go on with the flow for future is uncertain. He was like that--practical, frank, mature, foresythed, I mean and I suppose thats the part of the reason why I fell for him. But whatever is happening between us, I would like to spend my mornings waking up beside him and at the end of the day, he'd be holding me while we'd lay together on the bed while we laugh and talk about how our day went.

Sounds very cheesy innit? When two people are very inlove with each other? That's what I thought too. And while a part of me still believe its possible to happen, I know it wont.

Now at age 24, I've sometimes wondered about the choices I've made. Going back to New York was all I could think. I guess Nate left a really traumatic feeling on me and not to mention a very deep wound within. But most of the time, I find myself going back and forth. When my friends ask why, despite the fact that they know what happened between me and him, I tell them I'm visiting a relative or my dad needs me for a few things.

I have maybe a thousand dollars in my savings but believe it or not, I haven't been on a date for years. I dont play sports anymore like I used to, even on a free day. But on my days off, I drive around, north or south wherever my mood strikes me, sketch up some more designs and paint or call a friend and meet up at a certain place. I had been living in New York again, and I have yet to go to another state for the opening of my art gallery but I just have to return to Lexington from the events that changed my life.

But no matter how I look at the past, it won't come back anymore. Nate Parker will only be just a part of me. You see, I was the one who ended it. And unlike him, I've been bothered by questions I've asked a thousand times since the last time we were together. Why did I do it? and would I do it again? I didn't do something to get us back together. Nor, I didn't speak when we were on the verge of breaking up. And whoever says that all endings end happily, it's really the opposite of what happened to mine. We all have stories to tell. We all have our unique ending; but I couldn't believe ours didn't go on forever.

So, in the meantime, I'll just savor the view from High Rock Lake here in Lexington in North Carolina where my dad is and while I'm still on leave. After 5 days, I'm going back to NYC and continue my normal life there as an artist. When I leave here, I'll never come back again.

I reflect on these things and as usual, our time together comes back to me. I find myself remembering how it began. For now though, I'll hold on to these memories... For now.