Oh my literal fuck thank you soskssososos much for 1.5k reads I can't even imagine. Here's your reward I love you so much ^~^ **I'll put a note for when to play the song in the side bar**
Crying was all I seemed to be able to do right now. It had been 2 days since Phil had gone. I hate him for leaving me but I could never stop loving him. He was my best friend and soulmate and now half of me was missing. I clicked on yet another of Phil's videos and smiled as his face popped up and he began ranting about how a crazy lady had called him pretty but then stopped myself, i'm not happy. I hadn't told anybody about it. His parents knew of course but our friends and family didn't know. I wish I had realized that there was something wrong with Phil but he was such a good actor, always managing to fit in a smile or a laugh but now I can see that they were forced. Too bad i'ts too late.
I guess it's selfish of me to wish him back if this was what he wanted but I need him, so much. I've considered joining him far too many times since the night I found him.
I'm pathetic. I didn't even try to help him. I just sat and screamed like a kid, a useless pathetic kid. I knew how to undo a knot for fuck sake. I could have saved him and even if it failed, at leat I would have tried.. But no
The video came to and end and even though I wasn't paying attention, the sound of Phil's voice soothed my head and blocked out the thoughts.
I knew the password to Phil's YouTube account so I could watch all of the privated videos. Most of then were of us singing or messing around. I wouldn't let Phil post them because of the shippers even though I wanted to. I wanted to be proud of what we had but society wouldn't let that happen so we kept it a secret.
For 6 years...
I scrolled, getting lost in my thoughts but a video caught my eye
Breaking free
It was a clip cut from an old video that Phil had privated. We used to cuddle up on the sofa and remember 2009, it was a horrible year for me but Phil was there and he's all I've ever needed.
Except he's gone now
My finger hovered over the mouse pad. I probably wasnt ready to watch the video but I already wanted to die so how much worse could it get?
*play video :)*
I watched in silence, letting Phil's voice run through me. We both couldn't sing but the way we looked at each other was amazing. Young love.
It makes me laugh how the tables have turned. I used to be the one wanting to die but we were just all so blind. I was blind. I didn't even notice that my own boyfriend was torturing himself.
Everybody told me not to blame myself before i'd even said it so that must have been what they were thinking. Its all Dan's fault.
Phil had always been the strong one, fixing everybody when it should have been him getting help.
You don't realize what its got until its gone.,very ironic.
I'd give anything to go back to that day because i'd treasure every single one leading up to that horrible day. And instead of being stupid i'd save him and we could grow old together.
Laughter filled the room and my puffy eyes flicked back to the screen. The laughs hurt me because its been so long since Phil laughed like that properly. All those other laughs weren't real, they were fake.
I snapped down the lid of my laptop and looked at the ceiling.
I wondered what would happen if I tried to find Phil. It probably wasn't worth it because I might not find him, I might go somewhere else and then I'd be all alone.
I'm lonely now.
A loud bang sounded down the hallway and I jumped. 'Hurry the fuck up' a voice whispered. Oh great now I was getting robbed.
My bedroom door burst open and I brought my hands to my face. I didn't even care If they killed me
'Dan, buddy come here' the voice became recognizeable and I slowly removed my hands. It was PJ and Chris
'Peej' I managed to choke out before I was being engulfed in a hug. The tears were endless, soaking his green shirt. Chris stood in the corner, chewing at a hang nail. He was trying to be strong but him and Phil had been really close.
I looked over at him and motioned for him to come over. The boy sighed and joined the hug, his warm tears wetting my arm.
We eventually let of each other and sat in a circle on Phil's bed.
'Well that was slightly gay' I whispered, trying to lighten the mood but nobody laughed.
'Dan, why didn't you tell us?' Chris whispered, his eyes glazed over
PJ fumbled with the boys hand and I looked down in suprise. Pj shook his head and I decided to keep the questions to myself.
'I-i don't know Chris. I just couldn't face anybody. You deserved to know guys, i'm sorry'
Nobody said anything for a while and I decided we should probably stop being so depressing
'Who wants a cuppa?' I said way too enthusiastically trying to force a smile.
Both friend raised their eyebrows and I dropped the act.
'Yes please' they both echoed.
I stood up and pulled on my black slippers however just as I was doing so, I lost my footing and fell onto my laptop. I opened the lid to make sure it wasn't damaged and accidently pressed the mouse pad.
Mine and Phil's voices echoed through the room, making Peej and Chris turn back in surprise. Waterfalls poured down my cheeks and sweet memories tortured me.
'Oh Dan' PJ whispered, pulling me into a tight squeeze.
'I just want him back PJ, bring him back. Please bring him back'
'I would if I could mate'
Agh that wasnt very good I'm sorry :(
Im just really concentrating on skinny love at the moment because it's doing so well
Thanks for reading!
- Izzy x
