Red Wine - White Linen | D.M

6

Pansy barged into my room with no warning as usual. I used to hate it, Although the longer we were friends the less it bothered me.

It was Thursday night just past 11. I was deep in thought about Draco. Now hold on, don't think I'm thinking about gazing into his eyes or being held in his arms. This was not that type of daydream.
I was actually thinking about how I've never actually hated him, knew him or been around him. I had a small, okay, maybe medium sized crush on him back in 3rd year but so did most of the other girls in our year. He was cocky and knew how pretty he was and liked to show it off. It was only from afar though, he's always stayed out of my way and vice versa, until now. I was more interested in his well-being, usually when your the only mentally impaired in the room you notice when someone else isn't right, it's like a sixth sense. Or maybe I'm just more mental than I thought.

Pansy sat on the end of my bed which knocked me out of my thoughts and I knew what was coming next.
"I thought you would stop after we got here, I don't know why but I thought maybe you would be too busy or I could help you."

I sighed, I feel bad, I know she thinks she can help me, make me better, make me stop, but that's just not how it's going to work and I don't plan on telling her that either.
"About that, you seeeeeeeeee-" 

She chuckled then hit my shoulder and frowned,
"stop that! It's serious and you just make me laugh! Just be careful, tell me if your in trouble and know I'm always here if you ever miraculously decide you wanna talk about it." She said that last bit waving her hands about.

I still giggle even though I know she's trying to be serious. "Yes of course and yes I will be, you are my choice of person! Actually you're the only person to choose." I laugh to try and lighten the mood a little but she just looks at me then sighs, crosses her arms and looks out the window.

I decide to change the subject, "Do I dare to ask about this famous truth or dare? I only ask this because I've heard that the Ravenclaws use veritaserum in their games and I have way to many secrets to be partaking in that death trap."

She suddenly sat up straight and you could practically see her eyes light up. "Eeeeek ok, well last year it was Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Draco, Theo, me and some other slimy Slytherin girls that were more interested in the boys than me! And that's a crime itself! But don't threat, the group is just us now, a lot of them distanced after the war. But it was really fun last year, so much gossip, secrets, drama and sometimes fighting." She was looking into the ceiling and smirking as if she was reminiscing.

I made a face.
"Don't worry, not deep dark secrets, only the kind that slightly dips the surface, your secrets are safe with me Keaton. Also no potions involved... although we was thinking about it and the end of last year." She looked blankly towards the wall this time.

I made another face and she laughed "oh so innocent! You just have to know how to control it,  there are ways around it you know! You won't be spilling all your secrets after a lesson with me. But we will deal with that if it comes to it."

I didn't really show it much but I was actually quite excited, I just wanted to have a normal year.

———————-

I woke up early enough to catch Pansy before she went to breakfast.

Breakfast.

Now of course if I wasn't already fucked up enough, I had a whole other world of fuckery.
The big bad world of food.
But we can discuss that in a bit.

Last night I decided if I wanted to be slightly normal I would atleast try to wake up with everyone else and do normal functioning things people do in Hogwarts such as actually go to classes, all of them. Everyday.

I stick with most days, everyday sounds like unnecessary stress.

I lay in my bed for a few minutes slightly in a daze from being sleepy, the itch from my left arm was starting to be irritating, usually one itch and it would go away but since I had cut while the other cuts were still healing means I can't itch because some are still too fresh, which would hurt and cause them to re open. More unnecessary stress.
I slap them, that works for now. I contemplate covering them with a bandage but decide not to.
I'm not a big bandage user, I like them but there expensive so it feels like a waste to use them on the smaller cuts, I only use them after I cut deeper. I do different damage depending on how I feel.
This is how it works for me.

Shallow cuts:
Pros: less scars and less damage to my arm.
Cons: less relief, will have to cut more often.
Deeper cuts:
Pros: more relief, I like taking care of them.
Cons: more scars, longer healing.

I'm a neat cutter, for the most part. I like neat horizontal lines of the same length and size, although it's been slightly ruined by some days of rage where I have just sliced where there was room or the times I thought i could bleed out and die if I cut myself vertically. Never worked though. Unfortunately.

———

I get up, shower, teeth, skin, hair, dress.
Tights, pleated skirt, shirt, tie, mirror then robes.
I didn't get to the robes.
Tights off, skirt off, vomit from my own reflection.
Ok, exaggeration but that's what I want to do.
I used to have no issues with my body, I had a low self esteem but I always liked my body, until the summer. When things were rough and cutting wasn't enough for me I accidentally started to use food to cope, which developed into an addiction, then an eating disorder, then severe body hatred. I restricted myself of food until my body couldn't handle it anymore and one day I ate and ate and ate until I wasn't starving anymore. And that's when things got fucked up. When I was restricting I felt in control I felt numb from my other emotions but mostly I felt proud, like I could finally do something right, but when I learnt how to binge, I felt out of control, disgusting and like a failure.
I can't eat normal now.
I restrict until my body gives in, I binge until I wanna puke, I try to puke, I fail, I take laxatives or stop eating for a few days until the cycle repeats itself.
I'm in a living nightmare.

I wish I stuck to the cutting.

I decide on black loose joggers with a black sweatshirt over my shirt and tie to make the outfit look less strange, luckily the professors aren't too bothered about our uniform as much this year.

I knock on Pansy's door, our rooms are connected by the bathroom, a door either side of the sinks, I always go to her room that way rather than leave into the corridor.

"You can come in, you don't have to knock I don't care" she shouts.

I open the door slowly, I wouldn't be surprised if she was in there naked. "I know but it feels wrong so I do it anyway."

Luckily she's not naked. She's in her wardrobe looking for something but she turns around to talk to me, she's wearing the same skirt and tights I wanted to wear but couldn't, I think she's beautiful, she's not extremely thin like you would think I would envy. she's just her. Slim but curved, thicker thighs that I am jealous of, but when I look at myself it's just not acceptable. But it's not her body that I want the most, it's her confidence, the way she likes herself enough to wear the clothes she wants and to eat the food she wants without a second thought.
I really hate how my brain works.

"It only feels wrong to you because you usually have something to hide" she squints her eyes then puts a hand on her hip. "You know I'm right."

I flop on the bed face first. I muffle from the sheets "very true." Then I groan and huff my frustration about life, again into the sheets.
I hear Pansy shuffle over and feel her weight next to me on the bed, "head up buttercup, it's Friday."
And on that note, we get up and leave to go to the dining hall.