Red Wine - White Linen | D.M

1

"Well, What do you think?"

Pansy looked in the full length mirror placed against the mansion like wall. It was standing tall in her luxurious room. She was examining herself in her classic Slytherin uniform. She was wearing a white shirt, a grey v-neck jumper and a skin tight pencil skirt, too short but somehow just enough.
We could wear the exact same uniform but she could always make an outfit look expensive. It was just in her genes.

"It looks like a boring old uniform Pans" I pick up her tie that was next to me on the bed and flung it in her direction. Which she batted away like a baseball, and crumpled her face at my comment.

"hey, you still look better in it that me though." I laughed, laying back on the bed.
She wasn't with it today though, it felt like there was a lot more on her mind.

"Its so different this year, no more war, no more fighting. No more enemy's." Her voice trailed off as she looked out of her window.
There was nothing to focus on outside.

"I could still name a few, we definitely have many,"

She raises her eyebrow.
I put my hands up in defence.
"harmless but hey, we're still Slytherin's remember."

Although I knew exactly how she felt.
The past years had slowly done a lot of irreversible damage on most of us. Pansy never spoke about it, she acted like the same old Slytherin princess she always was. But the way her eyes glazed over when looking out the window, I knew she felt it too. Inside she was different. We all were.

A lot of things had changed at Hogwarts, a new head teacher. New grounds. Even though they were built back exactly identical, things weren't going to feel the same, the magic feels lost.

I was already dreading putting up with another year of work, any fine string of enthusiasm and hope for the future had been razored off clean. I didn't feel much of anything anymore, it's like someone had put my imaginary mood bar down to zero. And now I was only in black and white. I was slightly hoping I could re discover some new good emotions this year, I was severely lacking them.

"Keaton, in the nicest way possible. HURRY UP."
I was snapped out of my thoughts to an angry Pansy.
"There is no way in hell that we are missing this train, I have my seats planned out and everything! Now, I think if we get there at least ten minutes before we leave I can snatch a seat next to Blaise, unless Theo makes it first... or I think-"

Blaise!? Just five minutes ago we were on the never ending Malfoy train.

"Hang on, what happened to Draco?"

I started to air quote. "You know, your one true love." I tried to copy her voice but i failed miserably.

"God, catch up." She rolled her eyes. "Things are different now, I pretended for so many years that he liked me, he never did. But I don't think I did either. We just entertained the idea of being the 'perfect' Slytherin couple. So much has changed, but there's one thing I hope hasn't... the part when Blaise's eyes always wondered to mine." She trailed off, looking rather pleased with herself.

I smirked but tried to hide it with a grin. I tapped my fingers against the soft bed spread.
"Who would of ever thought. What's a world without Malfoy like?"

———

I had always been a Slytherin, but the popular group was never part of my earlier school years. I didn't even know who was supposed to belong within that friendship. To me it was only known as Draco and the others.
I knew a few faces obviously, I lived with them, I knew a lot about them. The way they acted, alone and around each other. The way Pansy and Draco were supposed to be 'together' but I'd never actually seen them touch.

No one was mean to me, not really.
Draco, well he was Draco, we all knew the way he treated others.

I am a pureblood.
Pureblood, pure blood , pure-blood. The word means nothing to me, but has kept me away from many disgusting remarks and probably a lot of bullying. Some from others but mostly the Malfoys. Draco was never afraid to hand them out, pass it around like a type of disease, like he invented the word. Especially in his own house.

It's true, I was around them but by no means was I friendly with him and his others, I also never dreamt that I ever would be.
I grew up alongside a group of girls that fell into the Ravenclaw house. Again, houses meant nothing to me, unlike so many others. So much lost time from worrying about who your friends were.

I spent most of my years with them.
But of course, some would only see the beloved pureblood along side the filthy mudbloods.
Draco wasn't fond that a fellow pure blooded Slytherin would show herself with such lower class and it infuriated me.

I was very unmotivated for this upcoming year. The war seemed to break one of the last straws inside me and left my emotions more fucked up than ever. They were running around in my head causing chaos. It felt endless.

The wizarding world had recently become partners with the mortal world around mental health.
They finally had names to place me with.

They told me I was extremely depressed and found out i had a personality disorder. They told me this, they told me that. I got bored of listening.

A lot of It took ages to explain but It helped me explain a lot of my past behaviours. Some of the worst being terrible mood swings and emotion changes, attachment to people who show slight interest or care towards me, along with being terrified of them leaving.
It can cause me to display some very toxic actions, it is very hard to keep stable relationships with some people.

But the worst, the worst was the self destructive habits. I pick them up quickly and don't let them leave. At the moment I am overwhelmed by my insecurities and how self conscious I am. I am disgusted with the way I look, my face, but mostly my body.

In general I found myself constantly comparing to Pansy.

And one things for sure. I don't cope well. I can't cope well. It's like I have an inability to do so.
Another flaw.

Coping. Outlets. Habits.
Big words.
I don't think my outlets are worth any thought atall. We all have them, unfortunately some are worse than others, that's just the way life works.
It was my secret, something that only belongs to me. I don't need any help, I don't want any either.
I don't want to stop or control them. I don't need too.

It was my way to control life and to keep everything under control and it helped.
It was helpful.