letters never sent

3.4.

how embarrassing that you're getting yet another letter.

    i've said it before and i'll say it again, you don't deserve all of my words. you don't deserve all of my thoughts.
yet you live rent free at the front of my mind, running around like everything is happy and normal.
    but it's not normal. because you do boyfriend-y things. but you said it today, you don't like me in that way.
thought i was hurt yesterday (maybe i was angry, i don't know anymore) when i realized that you turned me into the girl lil aaron is singing about in DRUGS. i mean, seriously, "i only call her pretty when she's takin' out her t!tties"?
you've told me i was pretty twice. both times i was taking off my clothes.
    i should've known you'd say this, you don't have feelings. ever.
but for a minute, i thought maybe things changed. tight hugs because you know i like them that way, holding my hand while you're playing video games. nightly facetimes.
the kiss.

    fuck.

those are boyfriend-y things. and maybe i kissed you, but you kissed back.
    i hate you so much right now. my chest hurts.
i hate loving you. because tomorrow i'm going to act like this never happened, like i don't love you, like everything is okay.
    i thought i was fine being your experiment, being friends (with minor benefits).
i'm not. this hurts so fucking much, m.
    please make it better, the way you make everything better.
you make sitting in my room doing nothing better because we're facetiming and we aren't even talking.
    you make it better because i'm just watching you play video games. your nose twitches like a rabbit when you're focused.
you make it better by asking me how my day was. telling me i can talk to you.

    just friends don't do this. stop lying.

i asked you to leave me alone tonight. i regretted it the instant i saw the empty blue triangle telling me you'd opened my text that simply said "gn," which you know means i'm upset because i always type the full words.
all i want right now is for you to tell me its a lie.
    tell me that you feel the same and that you're scared.
tell me you're sorry. fuck. tell me anything.

    tell me you love me. even if you're lying.