letters never sent

14

hi dad.

i want to say i'm sorry. and that i was wrong.
i did miss you.

you were trying and i was letting my childhood get in the way of what was in front of me.

i am really glad i called you, i really did miss you.

i'm grateful to be part of your life again, and grateful to get to be a part of the baby's life.

i feel guilty for reacting the way that i did.

i didn't know how to feel. i was hurt about learning you weren't sure i was yours. i was hurt that your job takes up so much of your time.

i wish i could say i understood it, that i get everything now. i don't, i don't understand myself or you or my childhood.

but i want to try. i am trying.

i'm sorry for everything. i was wrong and i was afraid and none of that excuses the last year. i don't hate you, i don't think i ever could. i missed christmas, and your birthday. i hate myself for that.

i want to make you proud of me. i took you to the places i feel comfortable in, to show you that i am finding how to be my own person.

i really hope this kid knows how much you love him and how hard you try to make time for us. i hope he grows up appreciating it more than i did. i missed so much time because i was selfish.

i really hope you get to meet m****, because i love him and he seems to love me too. you'll like him a lot. he cares about me in a way i didn't know someone could care for another person, it's something out of a movie.

i want to never hurt you again, i know what i did was so hurtful and so terrible and i never want to do that again. i want to learn to communicate my hurt in a way that allows you to know what's going on and give you a chance to explain things so i understand what went down on your end.

i am determined to fix what i broke because you deserve better. you really did try your best and i see that now.

i send you the fortunes from my fortune cookies, and i try to ask about your week. i'm trying to text you during the week and not just when i expect to see you. i hope you see that i am trying too.

i love you. i really am sorry.
please forgive me.