I've recovered almost completely. It was enough for my sergeant at least to get me back in the trenches. The men won't speak to me, they barely look in my direction. It feels as if every goddamn man in France knows of the failure I am. It's not much different, I suppose. I never spoke to many of them, and if I did speak with them, I spoke little. Still, it was nicer when they wouldn't blatantly ignore me. Now I'm afraid to even close my eyes when we are supposed to sleep. It's the only time I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder, I'm the weakest then. I've stopped sleeping, at least, I've stopped sleeping at the normal timing I'm assigned. Besides, I'm unwanted in the regiment, meaning I've been given no job other than to stay away.
The quiet shame in the regiment isn't very good for morale, but it's given me the excuse to stay far away and out of sight. Even my sergeant seems to want me out of the way for the men. It's fine by me. I spend my days above the trenches, against a tree reading your letters or trying to get some sleep where I know I won't have my throat slit. Sometimes Joseph joins me. It's odd, having another Blake at my side. He keeps me company now and it feels familiar. He talks about you. You seem to be the base of the conversation most of the time. He speaks of you as a child, apparently you were the well behaved one of the family, which, knowing both Blake sons now, I can see how you are the favorite. His company keeps the men away during the day, they seem to respect him far more than they ever respected me. Joseph has an aura of authority that he has around him that challenges anyone of a lower rank to question him. I believe he may be a big part of the reason I'm still breathing in the trenches.
I've read your letters as well. It was long overdue, but I've just gotten to the point where I can read for longer than five minutes, and not have my head feel like it is splitting open. I'm assuming you have decided on whether you want to pursue a career in nursing or if your family has completely shut down the idea. I think you'd be a great nurse, if that helps at all. You seem caring and patient enough to actually take constant care of the patients. It's also a safe way for you to help in the war, which seems like something that you want. Though London seems like the most unsafe city to move to at this moment, you'll be good there. Just listen to the rules that are in place and make sure that you know your destination. Men prey on women who look lost, never let your guard down.
London is busy so be ready to be pushed around on the tube and walking to and from wherever your station. Don't push back, just keep walking and keep your head down. The people are cold if you look like a stranger, so try to find your way quickly. They'll welcome you with open arms after that. You'll get used to it eventually. It'll be different from your friendly town you grew up in, but if you want adventure, London is the closest place to go. Stay away from the government buildings. At least for the time being, keep to the homes and the smaller parts of London. Westminster Square is a target for any enemy bomb, so stay away from around there. After the war, it will be safe, but for now, don't go towards it. Enjoy your orchard while you can. The air is not as fresh as your countryside home. London has factories all over the city and the amount of people that walk the streets, making the entire city dirty. Enjoy your orchard while you can, for the both of us.
I asked Joseph and he said I missed it, but happy birthday Mary Blake. War ruins holidays, I know that, but I hope that your day was filled with no worry and that your loved ones spent it with you. I hope you pushed your worries away just for a day and allowed yourself to be you again. I added something that Blake had given me for my birthday last year. I had completely forgotten I had it until you wrote to me about your birthday. I would have given it back with the rest of his personal items if I remembered it, but it is yours now. He gave it to me, telling me that it was meant to keep away bad luck, but it doesn't seem to work in wars. Maybe it'll bring you better luck than it did for me.
