They canceled my leave. They won't tell me why, but I believe it's because it's the final push. I hope it is because I'm getting to my breaking point. I just want to come home for the summer. I miss the orchard, god I never thought I'd say that, but I do. I'd rather be in the orchard with you and Joe instead of sitting against this tree in France with the stench of the dead all around me.
Tell mum that I won't make it home for her birthday, but that I'll be celebrating here. I'll ask Schofield for his slice of bread or something to celebrate. Maybe I'll be able to get out for the night and find a phone and call home, but I can't promise you anything. Also, I wrote to mum a few days ago and I'm concerned that she's not responding, so can you also tell her that I'm alright and I'm as safe as I can be here. I've barely even shot my gun yet. Scho won't even let me target practice without making sure my gun's properly cleaned. It's like he's my father. So, tell Mum I'm safe.
Speaking of Scho, have you thought about it? I keep talking about you to him, just in passing and such, just so I can see something about what he's feeling and it's like he's just a statue. He says nothing on the matter. I'm convinced he has no family because he doesn't talk about it. He never joins in with the other soldiers and me when we talk of home. I don't even know where he's from other than 'around London.' It's getting to the point I feel as if I have to steal his journal he keeps with him just to figure out something. I'll keep bothering you until you respond to my question about writing to him, even if it's just a friendly thing, I have a feeling that it would probably make his day. Seriously, the man has gotten barely any mail.
He's kind though, you'd like him. He seems like he's the friend who's always the responsible one in groups. He's quiet too, so you'd be able to talk his ear off without interruptions. He's a listener. I may annoy the shit out of him, but he's not once told me, unlike you or Joey. He deserves a letter at least once, and the way he's barely getting them is making me feel like either his family doesn't care or that he doesn't have a family to write to. Imagine not having a family, but you have to keep fighting, no wonder he's basically suicidal at this point. Just think about it, will you? He needs something to keep him going. Just make it friendly. Just throw it in with mine and I'll pass it on.
I know you'll ask, so he's tall, like fucking giant compared to me. I don't know how the Huns haven't shot him in the trenches because he's so tall. He's got a good nose, there's a bump on the bridge and apparently, it's from The Somme. He barely smiles so I've no idea about his teeth, I know Dad will be asking. He's organized, a lot neater than me. He cleans his rifle once a day like we're supposed to, so he's a rule follower. I don't know much else. Or what else there is to know. So, there's that. I've already written about how he's from London so that's about all I know. Ask him yourself if you're dying to know anything else. Just, write to him, I'm begging.
Also, the food here is shit, please send me anything. At this point, I'll even take sweets if you're willing to send those in the envelope. If I'm fighting for my country, I may as well have good food. They'll confiscate it if they find it though, so please send it discreetly. They'll literally take it away, which they have no goddamn right to do, but they'll do it anyways. (yeah, that's for the dickhead reading this).
I wish I was home. Or at least had the idea of going home soon in my head. I was more actively trying to behave myself. Now, I've got nothing to rely on, I'm just sort of stuck here with no end in sight. I need something to look forward to and I know you'll never understand that, but I need you to understand, I'm going to die over here. Everyone is dying and I feel as if I'll be dead even if I do get home. Wars kill men, Mary, even if the man isn't physically dead, his mind will never be the same. I don't know how Joseph is doing this and staying sane. I pretend I'm alright, telling the men stories of home and of school, but my god, Mary, I'm dying. I want the orchard. I even miss when Mum would scream her head off at us. God, I want to go home.
If I do happen to die, tell Mum to not let it take over. Tell her she has a lot more to live for than just her kids, especially her most troubled child. Remember that I'm always gonna be with you all even if I'm not there physically, you can't get rid of me. Tell Joseph that he's gonna have to pick up his weight in the orchard because I won't be there to actually do the work. He'll hate it, but he'll get over it soon. I hope so at least. Tell Dad that my books are his if he wants them. They're all in order of author though, and if he messes that up, I'll haunt his ass until he dies. And to you, Mary, don't shut everyone out. You'll be my best friend forever, however long forever is, and I know that it will hit you hard, but know that I've gotten through some bad nights thinking about how next summer you and I will be at the lake reading next to each other and talking of how awful every man in the town is for you. I told Scho that if he's with me when I die, to send everything that's on me back to you. I want you all to have me with you guys. If you don't get anything, it means he died with me, which is completely possible because we have been placed together in every watch we've gotten so far.
I'll be home as soon as I can. Tell Mum happy birthday from me and that I'll be home to celebrate next year. Tell Dad to stop stealing my books because I'll know if any are missing. Send my love to the rest of the family. Write to Scho. I love you.
