Mary knew there were few places that William could go off to. He didn't know the area and he wouldn't have gone sneaking around a house that wasn't his. So, that left outside, but still on the property. She grabbed her jacket from the hook, leaving the warmth of the house and starting towards the orchard. It was the likeliest place that William would go since it was the only place he could walk and not get lost at night.
A half an hour of walking and she found him sitting against one of the last trees, his knees up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them, his cheek resting on them as he let his tears freely flow.
"Will-"
"She's right, I should've just let a German kill me off. It would be a lot better-"
"No, it wouldn't be better. I don't care what the hell my mum says. She never should have said anything at all."
"She's right though. How did I get out of France when Blake-"
"William Schofield, you listen to me. You are allowed to feel guilty about surviving, it's bound to happen with the tragedies of war, but what I won't sit around and let you soak in, is guilt. Tom didn't die because of you and before you tell me anything else, you did not pull the trigger, so it was not you. I don't blame you for his death and neither do my parents. My mother hasn't even accepted that Tom's actually dead yet, she's been saying things as she did to you tonight, since April. I don't want you to ever think that you deserve life any less because of what happened in France."
"You haven't the slightest idea of what I constantly feel."
"Then tell me." Mary sat down next to William, making sure that their shoulders were touching as she tried to ignore the sharp bark digging into her back. "Talk to me, William, even just a hint."
"I feel guilty because Blake pulled me out of a collapsing bunker as I was covered in dust and blinded. He had me keep hold of him as he led us to the other side. I trusted him enough to jump over a fucking mineshaft blinded and weighed down by my pack and rifle. He would have done the same exact thing, as well. Blake trusted me, more than I think I even knew. It's why he chose me because he knew that I'd have his back, no matter what was happening. I fucking turned my back instead of trusting my instincts and keeping my gun on the injured pilot. I got him water because Blake told me that he could help the pilot and fuck, Blake was too good for the war. He was just trying to help and he was murdered because I turned around. I would've gone back to the trenches if Blake's last fucking words to me were asking if I knew the way. I'm a coward, Mary, and no one knows just how terrified I was. You tell me that your brother spoke so highly of me, that I was composed and always just silently watching, but the truth is, I lost all my friends in the Somme. We were part of the few British soldiers that broke through the German line and we had to wait for reinforcements, but they found us before the British even sent anyone forward. We had no fucking choice but to retreat and I was the only one who wasn't fucking killed in the retreat. A soldier found me and he kept his boot on my back, keeping me in the mud and half my face was under the mud. Fuck, I begged for them to kill me, I told them that they're better off killing me than taking me anywhere and the soldier stepped off my back, spit on me, and told me the guilt would kill me one day. I should've died and then I should've died in the German trench that Blake pulled me out of. Maybe Blake died because I just wasn't dying when I was supposed to. Then the hospital, when you and I made it out, but half the soldiers I traveled home with weren't so lucky. I can't do this much longer, Mary."
"William, please just listen to me. I know it must feel like it's your fault that Tommy died, I understand why too, but I promise you, that it was not your fault. Like I said at the beginning of my first letter, it's not your fault that we're at war and it's not your fault that the general chose Blake and it's not your fault that Blake chose you. The Somme was a tragic battle that was so bloody and unnecessary and yet more men died than survived. It wasn't your choice to go to the Somme and you didn't pull the trigger to hurt your friends. You didn't want to survive, William, and I understand that, but you did survive and there's no way that it's your fault that you're the only one. Besides, now you have a group of men that you need to stay alive so you can keep their memory alive."
