They've said that we're winning in almost every battle we're fighting, but I've seen absolutely no difference here. The Germans are killing just as many soldiers as they usually do and we're not gaining any ground. If anything, we're losing ground. I don't see much improvement, even if the higher-ups want to tell us that we are. I can feel all of us losing the last bit of hope we have. I was woken up to a gunshot today and we all thought the Germans had gotten through the front line and it was just one of the men blowing his brains out. We've lost hope here, Mary, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for. They say we'll be home for Christmas, but I've learned not to believe a word that they say here. I don't know how much longer I can go on, Mary, I truly don't. I've tried and I've tried. Your letters helped me get through some of the worst days, but even now, I've seem to become numb to them. I've got nothing left.
My mother wrote to me a few days ago that she and my sister left London as well, so when I eventually get leave that I'll have to take, I'll be going to a completely different house that won't feel like home. I know I've said that I won't want to live in London after this, but it's all I've known. I don't want to go from one unknown place to another. They've moved quite a ways away from London she says. They apparently found a house near Sheffield and decided it would be the safest option. My sister has been shaken up ever since the street over from ours was bombed one night. Apparently, my mother and she hadn't heard the sirens and woke in their rooms after the bomb went off. According to my mother, they're lucky to be alive. So, they decided to make
As for the stench of the dead, it never becomes normal, so never expect it to. It's something I've not gotten over and I've been in this war for over a year and it still makes me sick to my stomach. That's half the reason Blake and I always found our way towards the trees and the open spaces around the trenches as much as we could. Nowadays, there's not much open space that isn't being used to transport the injured or the dead. I think the stench has become so common that we've all become used to the idea of being partially sick to our stomach, but never to the stench of death. I don't think I'll ever forget the stench of death. It will haunt me until the day I die, however soon or far that is.
We're all just sitting around waiting our turn to fight and I'm sitting here waiting for my death. The men around me want glory and I just want it to be over. I want no part of this war anymore. I never wanted it. They needed able-bodied men and I was called to fight. I wish I never was called. I wish I never witnessed half the things I've witnessed here. I don't wish it on the worst of us. This war is harsh, there's no escaping it, I know that, but a man can wish.
They said they're sending us out soon. They won't say where, but all I know is I'll be walking to another trench, with new men, and new dead bodies for us to cover. I think we're going close to home. At least, that's what all the maps I've had to look at seem to be heading. Home. I never thought I'd get back to my family, let alone you. Now, it seems I'll be closer, but further away. They're putting us back towards the front. That's all I've been told. I know nothing else of where I'm headed. Perhaps it's a death march and that's why they'll never tell us. A few months ago I would have welcomed death, but now I wish for anything else. I don't want to die. I want to get home to you. I just don't know how much longer I have left in me to fight.
I've no idea if Joseph wrote to you, but he was reassigned to my regiment and now he won't leave me be. He's more like Tom Blake than I first believed. Or you've written to him and told him to never leave me alone. At this point, Joseph is the only reason I'm still talking to anyone. I'd be happy sitting quietly in the trenches without a word for the rest of the time I'm here.
I hope you're doing much better than I'm doing at the moment. I hope you're having as good a time as you can in London and I hope you and Sophia are receiving more time off for you to explore the city. I also hope you're staying safe. The men here are saying London's getting bombed more frequently, which means you probably aren't getting any time off and you're more likely in danger. I pray to God you're staying safe and that you're taking care of yourself. Joseph has said that sometimes you forget to take time for yourself when you're busy. This is your reminder to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and sleeping. You're no good to soldiers if you're half-dead on your feet. Take care of yourself, Mary Blake, since I'm not there to make sure you are.
