Letters to you (Narry AU)

Letter 02

Dear Niall,

Hi again. I don’t know why, but for some reason I was expecting a response. Well, it was more of a case of hoping for a response, some wishful thinking. It was stupid of me, but every morning and every evening I went out to go check the mail this week. I got so excited when I saw a letter with my name on it, like an actual letter with a stamp and everything, but it turned out to not be you. And then I was crushed for the remainder of the day.

I realized I hadn’t put a date on the first letter, I suppose that’s something you actually do on letters yeah? I was just happy to be writing you to be honest. Besides, I didn’t think you truly cared about when I wrote this, I don’t actually think you even read them.

I know what I did was wrong, hell, I never forget. And I know I hurt you, I hurt you so badly and I can never take away that pain. No matter how hard I tried I knew I could never achieve something so great. I can’t believe I was the one to hurt you so, after countless nights when I would hold you when you cried, when I would promise you that I would never hurt you. I guess that was another promise I broke.

But there was one that I didn’t break. I don’t think you’ll believe me, but I truly didn’t break this one. I promised you I would love you forever, and that is a promise I will keep. I loved you, that night I truly still loved you. Even as I write this, I love you. I’m sure it’s not easy to read, I’m sure it’s not easy to believe. I’m positive that you don’t believe me, but every word that I write down in these letters are true. I guess it’s the only way to share the truth, because I don’t have to look into your eyes and see the disgust or the anger or the pain. It’s the only way I could be brave enough to tell you.

I had this whole life with you planned out, the little detour that ended us wasn’t included. I dreamed of waking up to you every morning, even in our 40’s I could see us still so in love. I imagine children running around the house with the dog- because you would never get a cat- children that laughed like you, children that radiated pure happiness. I dreamed of being able to wrap my arms around your waist, hum a tune in your ear while you cooked breakfast. Or maybe I would cook, you would come up behind me and kiss my shoulder, or you would be playing with the kids.

I could see it all.

And I ruined it.

I still think of those days, still think of what we could be. I still think of the future we could have, no longer what we would have had. Self-loathing is a horrible thing, something I know quite well right about now. God, I miss you.

I’m sure you don’t want to read all of this. I’m sure it only makes you hurt worse and that is not even near my intention. I just want to talk, try and sort things out. I just want to apologize and maybe- just maybe- get you back again.

The lads aren’t spitting harsh words at me now, maybe you talked to them- maybe you do read my letters- or maybe they’ve grown tired of it. Maybe they’ve grown tired of me. Zayn says you’re going out with some lad this week, I really hope it’s not true but he wouldn’t lie to me about that. So, I hope you have fun, but I hope he’s not enough. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t truly bring myself to care. I’ve always been selfish when it came to you.

Zayn says that he’s worried about me, I can’t say I see why.

Today I saw the cutest puppy- and you know that I don’t say that often- it reminded me of you. Its fur was brown with tufts of golden blonde, and its eyes were blue. It had splotches of darker brown and light brown. It was the perfect little puppy. I got him, because he reminded me so much of you, and he was going to be put down if no one adopted him.

In a way I like to imagine I just saved you, instead of breaking you. I hope that doesn’t sound creepy, reading over it now it kind of seems like it does. But nonetheless, it’s there. I wasn’t going to erase it, one because this is in pen, and two because I promised 100% honesty in these letters. Excluding something is also dishonesty. And I never want to be dishonest with you again.

I’ve named him James, only because I couldn’t think of a better name, and Chocolate didn’t seem like the best dog name ever. Although, maybe you would have liked that. You should let me know, you know, I don’t want the poor puppy stuck with a horrid name for the rest of his life.

The puppy wants to meet you, maybe one day that could be a possibility? Or maybe I’m just getting ahead of myself.

God, I’m so sorry Niall,

Harry xx

P.S. I’m still totally in love with you.

P.P.S. oh, and ignore the tear stains yeah?