Letters to you (Narry AU)

Letter 06

Saturday August 4th, 2013

Dear Niall,

I’m not supposed to be writing you. Gem and Zayn have been worried about me, at least that’s what they say. That’s how they justified what they did. They got me a therapist, without my knowledge mind you, and tricked me into meeting her. Her name is Lily, Dr. Lily. I don’t know her last name, because she says that she wants me to feel comfortable with her. She wants to be on a first name basis, I suppose we are. I have to see her 4 times a week, believe it or not.

I can’t say it’s truly helping, I don’t speak much- I have nothing to say to her. She asks about you, and it hurts. But it’s a pleasurable kind of pain, a pain that shows that I truly am alive. It’s bittersweet, talking about you, bitter because you’re not mine anymore, and sweet because anything that involves you lifts my spirits. Gemma told her about these letters, Lily says they’re making me worse. That they’re keeping me from moving on, from getting better. She’s made Gem make sure I don’t write them. I’m not exactly on speaking terms with either of them at the moment.

You didn’t respond to the last letter, meaning you don’t read these. So really, maybe it’s a waste of time. Maybe I’m risking getting in trouble for nothing. But you are not a waste of time, you’re not nothing. You’re everything. Everything to me.

Maybe this really is a problem.

I hear from Zayn that you and that lad didn’t really work out. I’m sorry to hear that, I don’t know why. I’m sure he just didn’t deserve you, I’m positive that is why you two ended. I won’t say that it doesn’t make me happy- that you’re single and not that you’re upset- because then I would be lying but I really am sorry that you two ended. I’m sorry that you could be upset and crying right now.

I don’t leave the flat except for therapy now. I’ve left one other time to get groceries when Gem and Zed were out, and I ran into Liam. He didn’t speak to me, he barely even glanced in my direction when he passed. A few minutes after he walked up to me with a confused expression. He asked me if he knew me, I decided not to answer. He said I looked like someone he used to be mates with, someone that shattered his best mate. I don’t think he recognized me because he continued to rant on and tell me how this ex-mate of his was an arse, dick, twat. Anything you can think of, he called me it. Then he proceeded to apologize for wasting my time and for ranting. I just nodded and left.

I didn’t end up buying anything, and my sister yelled at me when she got back to my flat. She said I needed to eat something, and that I needed to actually have food in my flat. She had a bad day it seemed, but I continued to let her yell at me and let it out. She told me I didn’t have the right to do this that I wasn’t allowed to be upset because it was all my fault. She told me you would never come back. That hit the hardest because I know she was right, I know she only told the truth when she was angry. She meant every word.

I just nodded my head like I had with Liam, and walked to my room. I locked the door, and went to the bathroom- but not without tripping over a few random things that completely covered the floor. I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall of the bathroom, and I cried. But then the anger took over- the anger caused by every word that left their mouths, because it was all true. I took my blade, and I spun it in between my fingers. I thought of what your face would look like if you saw me like this, and I couldn’t stand the pain that I saw in your eyes, just like that night. And then I thought harder, and I realized that maybe, just maybe, you would be telling me that I deserve it too.

So I dragged the blade over my skin. One for each name I was called, one for each insult thrown at me, one for each true phrase spit at me. I lost count after 42. I’m still alive- obviously- just a little woozy but that was to be expected wasn’t it. I slipped on a long sleeved shirt and sat on my bed staring at the wall. I didn’t know how long it was until Gem knocked on my door and called an apology, but the sun had set past the curtains and my eyes were dry. That all happened on Tuesday.

I haven’t really been the same since.

I have no appetite, and I’m lucky if I eat once every few days. My favorite hobby involves my new best friend and pain reliever, and I’ve stopped taking my pills. Isn’t it ironic how a side effect of anti-depressants are suicidal thoughts? That always seems to amuse me.

I fell down a set of stairs on Thursday when I was leaving my therapist’s office, broke my ankle. They gave me high end pain killers (to take only when it hurts too badly), narcotics. I’ve only used them once, but really the pain is almost welcomed at this point.

Zayn has only stopped by once, and it was to tell me that he was going to stop stopping by. He said he couldn’t continue to watch me slowly killing myself, he couldn’t continue to try and help me when I wasn’t willing to help myself. I stayed quiet and nodded. And then he begged me to let him tell you what happened that night. He literally fell to his knees and begged. He said I was going to end up dead, and he would never forgive himself because he had the information that would save me. He said he would blame himself. I just shook my head no, and he glared at me. He yelled at me too, and it hurt worse because he was the only one who had truly stuck around, the only one that knew everything. He told me he refused to stick around and watch me die, and then he left. That was on Monday.

I still haven’t heard from him.

So this week has been pretty eventful.

Gem took James away from me yesterday, told me that I couldn’t keep a dog if I couldn’t take care of myself. I said nothing- I had stopped talking to anyone on Tuesday- so she just rolled her eyes and left with him. When the door shut I cried, and went to my best friend for comfort.

I guess I do have a problem, like Lily says. I’m tired of living this way.

I’m tired.

With all the love I have left,

Harry xxx

P.S. I’m sorry Niall, so sorry. I wish I could tell you, but I can’t.

P.P.S I found this picture today, we looked so happy, and I just had to go and screw everything up didn't I?