Letters to you (Narry AU)

Letter 03

Saturday, August 21st, 2013

Dear Niall,

Another week has come and gone, and here I am again- Saturday morning, alone while writing you another letter. This one will actually have a date on it- I know you love the whole cliché thing, so might as well do it right yeah?

But that wasn’t the reason for another letter.

We both knew that you could do much better, we both knew you deserved better. It seemed we both just decided to look past that fact. I wish we still could.

Then again, I wish we could look past a lot of things- I wish we could look past that night. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I’ve never claimed to be perfect, but that night was my biggest one. It’s my biggest regret.

I would die for a response- maybe that would encourage you, you have every right to hate me. Even if it was a small letter that detailed how much you hate me, I would be happy. Sure, the letter would hurt, but not as bad as not hearing from you.

I miss you. It’s something I won’t stop reminding you of- then again you aren’t really asking me to. James is a cute little puppy, you would love him. He’s energetic and playful, and seems to always be happy. He’s so much like you that I cry.

I am not manly enough to dispute the fact that I cry. I won’t deny it. Fuck, I miss you so much and it kills me. But reminding you of that every letter may not really warrant a response from you. It doesn’t matter though, because I never want you to forget that I miss you; I never want you to forget that I still love you and that I regret that night with every cell in my body.

I spoke with Liam yesterday, he said he didn’t even recognize me. I don’t know how I feel about that. He says I’ve changed my appearance a lot. I can’t say it was an active decision, but then again, he hasn’t spoken to me in a while so it could just be that. He bought me a muffin, said that I needed to eat something- put a little meat back on my bones. I picked at it, and couldn’t help but smile. It was your favorite flavor: chocolate. I didn’t really eat much, but I don’t really eat much nowadays. I can’t say I’m very hungry most of the time.

My hair has grown out, and if you were still around you would tell me I needed to get it cut. You’d say I’m starting to look like a hippie, or a rice farmer that lacked the knowledge of scissors. But you’re not here, so I’ll keep ignoring the fact that it’s growing.

I’ve been thinking- dangerous I know- but I think you should reply. Not that I’m telling you what to do, because I’m not. It’s merely a suggestion, one I would advise strongly for. Not that you’re looking for any of my advice.

I just miss you. I miss your thick accent, I miss your clear blue eyes, I miss the blush on your cheeks and how easily you get flustered. I miss the small birthmark on your thigh that you hate because you say it looks like a heart, and I miss your loud laugh that you were always so self-conscious of.

Zed says you’ve gone on another date with the lad. I think he’s lying to make me get over you. It’s not working by the way, I don’t think it ever will. Does he know anything about you, truly? Does he know you only like breakfast tea in the mornings, with two sugars and a dash of cream? Does he know that you love to dance, even though you think you’re terrible at it? Does he know you love to be held, to be reminded that you are amazing because you doubt yourself so often?

Does he know about me?

I’m sure I’m still a sore topic. Not exactly the best impression when you start off a date with talk of your ex. On second thought, you should talk about me more.

I still can’t believe that I threw everything away. But please, hear me out? I’m sure you’ve got questions in your head that won’t shut up- a lot like me. I’m sure you want to know why. Hell, if I was in your position I know I would have wanted to.

Princess, please.

Even if it’s just you swearing me out, it’ll be enough for me.

I’m so sorry Niall.

With the utmost regret,

Haz xx

P.S. I still love you to the moon and back (and then back again).