Letters to you (Narry AU)

Letter 05

Saturday, August 28, 2013

Dear Niall,

Hi Sunshine. The nickname has always been true, you are my sunshine. You lit up my day, you lit up my life. I didn’t tell you it enough, that you made my life so much better. Now, everything is dull. Even with the sun out, and the weather nice, it feels like I’m stuck in a hurricane. All I want to do is drown in the crashing seas.

Hi Princess. The nickname fit you too, you deserved to be treated like royalty- and I fucked it all up. I didn’t show you enough, I didn’t treat you well enough, I didn’t show you your worth. You deserved better, and we both know that. But I can’t help but wish you could settle with me for the rest of your life. But you never deserved to settle- you only deserve the best.

You didn’t let me explain that night you know. For all you know, it wasn’t what it looked like. I know it’s the cliché thing everyone says, but it’s true. I told you that these letters were 100% honest- I didn’t lie about that, and I won’t lie in any of these. It’s your choice on what to believe, but everything that is written down in these pages are true. It’s a confessional of sorts, a way to get everything I’ve been thinking off my chest. But it’s also a way to give you the answers you deserve, a way to possibly fix everything that fell apart that night.

But a lot of the times broken things can’t be fixed if they’re shattered- if they’re missing pieces. But you know me- the guy that keeps small imperfect broken things because they deserve a home. I was that small broken thing that you took in, that you decided to fix and now look at us. We’re both broken, the only way to be whole again is to be with you.

I don’t think I can say I’m sorry enough. It could be the only thing I say for the rest of my life and still it wouldn’t make you come back to me.

Maybe this is just a lost cause- like me. Maybe I should give up on the letters, give up on the answers, give up on us. You have- and I don’t mean that in an accusatory way, you’ve moved on, it’s just a fact. I hear the guy you went out with is now your boyfriend. I hear you’re finally happy again after months and months of unhappiness. I’m glad you’re happy, really I am.

I just wish it was with me.

But wishes don’t always come true. Life isn’t a fairytale, and reality has set in. It sucks. But then again, so does reality. It’s finally hitting me that you’re gone, and even worse: that you’re not coming back. Deep down, I knew you wouldn’t.

I hope this new guy treats you better than I did. I hope he holds you tight at night, hopes he lets you pick all the movies on movie nights, hopes he lets you pick what to have for dinner. I hope he appreciates your laugh, and reminds you how beautiful you are every single day. I hope he gets you flowers, despite the fact that you say it’s girly but I know you love them. I hope he knows that Lou will always be your best mate, and that there’s no way you’ll ever choose him over Louis. I hope he never tires of the smell of coconuts and apples- never tires of the smell of you. I hope he adores the way you talk with your hands so animatedly.

I hope he loves you like I did- like I do.

He better not screw it up with you, because I’ll kill him. Although, if he messed up then I would have a chance with you again. But I would rather suffer and watch you happy than the other way around. If he makes you happy, then that’s all I can really ask for.

I don’t really have the right to claim you. Don’t really have the right to be upset that you’ve found someone else.

Gem has been staying with me. She says that these letters aren’t helping me- but I think they are. I have a journal, where I write everything down but Gem says that all of this is making me worse. I can’t see it. She says I look sick, cheeks hollowed. I don’t actually know, I’ve started avoiding mirrors. She says that I’m thin, too thin. Again, I can’t say I’ve noticed- can’t say that I have. She took me to the doctor on Thursday, and I’ve been diagnosed with depression again. I have to take pills, but I hate them. They make things worse. I’m always tired, but I can’t sleep. Drowsy, but at nights I lay wide awake. I’m angry and irritable and I think Gem is beginning to get scared of me. I’ve decided I won’t be taking those pills anymore.

I’m sorry- but this time it’s for a different reason. We came so far- together- from where we started. I thought you had fixed me, and for the longest time I think I was. But you’re gone, you took my sunshine and happiness with you. I did something that I haven’t done in years yesterday. Gem hasn’t found out, but like I said 100% honesty, and this is like a confessional. I don’t really think you read these- I don’t think you ever have, maybe you just throw them away, I hope you do- so I don’t really worry about what I say in here. I don’t worry about my confessions, it’s like writing them down and throwing them away. So here it is: I cut again yesterday. For the first time in years, and I was both so happy and sad at the same time. It felt amazing, to be in control of something again. It was a relief, and the burn was amazing.

Like I said, Gem doesn’t know. It’ll be our little secret. Or maybe just mine.

I’m not telling you this to try and guilt you back. That’s in no way my intention. Besides, I honestly don’t think you read these letters. I just needed to tell someone. I just needed to feel like you’re still in my life- like maybe you’re away on holiday and we’re writing letters because service is shit there. Like maybe you’re still mine.

My room is always dark- I said mine after earasing ‘ours’ 15 times or so- curtains drawn. It looks like a war zone, and it probably smells like one too. Gem says it stinks, Zayn says that it could be used as a room for torture the way it smells. I can’t smell anything- they say you can’t smell your own scent and I think I’ve just grown used to it. Zayn was over yesterday, before I got to do anything. But he had to leave, he said he was going to meet up with you and the lads.

He also says you never ask about me. It hurts a lot, because I never stop asking about you. He does say that you still ask him about that night, he says he gives you the same answer: that he doesn’t know, he wasn’t there that night. He’s an amazing friend- one of the few I have left- and I can’t believe he’s stuck around. Secrets don’t make friends- I know, but secrets are meant to be kept. He does know what happened that night, more than you do anyways, but he knows it’s not his story to tell. He wants to tell you, but I’m not ready. I know it’s selfish, but I’m not ready and I don’t think you are either. He says it’ll fix everything- but I think it’ll make everything worse.

He says he’ll let me tell you when I’m ready.

God bless Zayn Malik.

I hope you’re happy with him,

Harry xx

P.S. James likes Gemma more, but that’s okay because I love you more than James anyways.

P.P.S. I am still undoubtedly, inumarably in love with you Niall James Horan.