Letters to you (Narry AU)

Letter 10.5

Tuesday October 18th, 2013

Dear Harry,

The last letter didn’t say much, just me apologizing over and over again. Zayn just called, and told me you were in the hospital. He said you attempted suicide. I want to yell and scream at you. Tell you that you were being selfish, but that would make me hypocritical wouldn’t it? I was selfish too, leaving without even hearing you out. Ignoring you because I was scared of the answers I would find.

I wanted to let you know that I’ve read every single letter that you sent, the last one took me a bit longer because Zayn said that it was all the answers I would need about that night. It terrified me, thinking about getting all the answers. I didn’t want to read them and realize that this was all an act; that you didn’t truly miss or love me. That you never had. I didn’t want to find out that I wasn’t good enough for you, that I wasn’t enough for you. But now I wish I had read the letter earlier, because maybe I could have seen the signs. Maybe I could have saved you.

Then again, maybe I would have been the one to find you. Maybe I would have been too late.

I can’t believe you still want to blame everything that happened that night on yourself. There is no fucking way that it was your fault. You were the victim Harry, the victim. There is no way that anyone can know the truth and still claim that this is all your fault. You let people believe you were some horrible cheater, someone who shattered my heart. You let yourself believe that you were the bad guy. Why? I mean, I was the one that left without letting you explain. I could have saved the both of us, stopped both of us from shattering to a billion pieces.

I could have prevented all of this. Prevented you from trying to kill yourself.

Zayn says that he doesn’t want me coming around just yet, that it may just make things worse rather than better. You aren’t supposed to be ‘excited’ was the nurses specific words. At least, that’s what Zayn says. But, he did say I could write you back, and he would give you the letter. I’m actually sat in the waiting area right now, in these hard plastic chairs that aren’t as uncomfortable as people make them out to be. Zayn is sitting right next to me, crying. He blames himself, and I blame myself. Truth is, we could have all done a little more to prevent this. He says you haven’t woken up yet, that you had a seizure on the way here. He says it was horrible, and I can only imagine though I try not to.

That lad you were talking about a few letters ago wasn’t much but a way to keep my mind off of you. Oddly enough, he looked just like you. Except his curls weren’t as nice, and they were black, and his eyes were brown and not your stunning green. He wasn’t you, so it ended. I wasn’t actually too crushed about that.

In many of your letters you express how you were never good enough for me, but you were perfect. You were- and are- all I want. Let me be the one to protect you now, you’ve been protecting me for so long and now it’s about time that the rolls reverse. I don’t need you to protect me right now, but I do need you to let me protect you. I need you to let me help you.

Please, let me help you.

The social worker came to speak to us not too long ago, and I wanted to be the one to tell you. I know you won’t accept the news too well if it’s from a stranger. I wanted to let you know that they are going to send you to a different hospital, one that specializes in mental medicine. As you would put it, they’re sending you to the nut house. At this point it’ll be for a few months, to help with your depression. They don’t know the full story, so before I tell them I wanted your permission. They can help babe, but they need to know everything in order to do that. I know you won’t be happy about the decision, but they say that once you’ve attempted it’s the only option. If you don’t fight it, the length of your –erm- stay will be shorter. And once you’re better you can come out to me, come back to us.

Hey cupcake, I miss you too. I never stopped, just like I never stopped loving you. So get better yeah? For the both of us. And if you don’t want to get better for yourself, then get better for me. I miss my Harry, bring him back for me?

With all the love in the world,

Niall xxx

P.S. I love you.

P.P.S. Baby come back?