On Top [H.S.]

Chapter 10

*TW: slight mention of panic attacks*

Harry's POV

I am so fucking stupid. 

Kissing her cheek, holding her waist, calling her 'babe' and 'baby'. We aren't in a relationship but I sure as hell was acting like we were.

What the fuck was I thinking asking her to stay for breakfast? I don't know what the fuck came over me but thank god she was smart enough for the both of us to decline my offer.

At least one of us isn't fucking stupid.

This isn't fucking good. I'm the one who proposed this arrangement in the first place and yet here I am breaking all of the fucking rules.

Maybe it was seeing Anna or the possibility that I just missed having someone around, but all I know is that it couldn't happen again.

The whole point of this arrangement between Lia and I was to fucking distract me and get over Anna, and what better way to do that than through sex. Surely that's better than drowning my pathetic sorrows in alcohol and drugs.

How fucking naive was I to think that this would satisfy that craving of wanting more than just physical pleasure. I thought that maybe having a consistent fuck would trick my mind into thinking that this was more than just sex, when it actually seems like my body craves more.

How fucking dumb am I.

Lia finding Anna's face wash was just a very painful reminder of my past. A reminder of everything that I've lost because I really am that much of a fuck up.

Anyone who has ever gotten close to me has been burnt, some more than others. Tainted and forever scarred by my own stupid fucking actions.

Hell even my parents want nothing to do with me, not that I can really fucking blame them. I don't deserve to have people close to me, no matter how much I crave it.

Niall must have the luck of the Irish or some shit like that, to still be the happy, positive person I've always known after everything that I've caused? I fucking wish.

I didn't mean to freak out on Lia like that when she mentioned the face wash, but that was the last thing I expected her to find. I knew that she was just trying to lighten up the mood a bit after I shot her down about the bruises, but fuck was that an unlucky choice for her.

Maybe Niall can spare her some luck.

I thought I had gotten rid of all of Anna's shit. I threw it all in the trash the day she walked out, I didn't want to ever see her again so I just tossed her things so she wouldn't have an excuse to come back.

What a good fucking job I did of that.

As soon as Lia left I took the trash can and dumped it into the bins outside. I didn't want her fucking shit in my apartment any longer than it needed to be, which is kind of ironic considering I still have the engagement ring tucked into my sock drawer.

I don't really know what to do with it. I can't return it to the jewellers and I don't really want to pawn it, that thing was fucking expensive. So for now, it's tucked away and hidden from view.

I know I need to get rid of it in order to 'truly move on and start fresh' as Niall would say, but despite how vile she was and what kind of person she's turned into, I'm still holding onto the fact that maybe, just maybe, she'll come back around and be the person that she was with me. Before the incident, before the fighting, before everything went to absolute shit.

Like I said, I am so fucking stupid.

Despite knowing what a mistake my actions were with Lia, it was actually kind of nice to wake up to someone, and having her be the first thing I saw was just a bonus. She looked cute, her hair was a mess and I could tell she was still tired from the night before.