letters to rena

a year and two months after you died...

dear rena;

it's been two months since my last letter to you.

two months.

is that a long time? or am i just really bad at coping with this?

i don't know what i'm doing. i still don't know what i'm doing. i think that's because i don't have you to tell me. i got too used to relying on you; because i always knew that if i didn't know the answer, you would.

can you do that now? can you send some sort of message down to me, from the stars or something?

wait, what am i saying? that's impossible. everything is impossible without you rena.

oh! before i forget to tell you this time, your dad sold nine paintings last week. he said that was a personal record for him, so your mom took us all out to dinner to celebrate. 

i would have asked your mom how much her last scarf sold for, but she doesn't knit much anymore. your dad said she can't bear to... not without you. the last thing she made was a lime green scarf, which she couldn't bear to sell because she knows that green was your favorite color.

rena, i really miss you. i look at pictures of us, and like before when it used to hurt because you were so beautiful, it hurts even more now because you are still so beautiful, but the rest of the world will never be able to see that now. and that's so wrong; it's so wrong rena. everyone should have the opportunity to know who you are, and know how beautiful everything about you really was, and still is.   

you once told me that your goal in life was to be famous. but really, all you ever wanted was to be accepted by everyone else because you didn't feel accepted by yourself. i know that rena. you were always too scared to be yourself because you were too frightened of negative comments and stares. but rena, if you were famous, that wouldn't have mattered. people would've just loved you because you were you.

i want to make you famous rena. i want everyone to know about you and how selfless you were. i want everyone to realize that i fell in love with an angel. and i want to tell them that maybe that's the reason you left so early - because you had to go back to be with the rest of the angels just like you.

i just want everyone to know about you.. is that too much to ask?

that's why it hurts so much rena. because sometimes, when i need you, it's not possible for you to be here. you can't just come and tell me what i'm doing wrong, or more importantly, what i'm doing right. you were the only person who ever did that for me. you were rena, and it's so frustrating that you're not here anymore to fix my cracked soul that's longing to be in your arms again. 

i'm falling apart baby, and all i can do is think of you, just to keep my head just a little bit off the floor.

my arms are always longing for your touch too, but all i ever find is nothingness. it's like the world's biggest balloon has just been deflated in the span of two seconds. all i feel is betrayal, even though i have no right to feel that at all. once i figure out that all i have left of you are memories, the anger seeps in, and i end up screaming.. and rena, it's a really scary scream - one that i can't control. a scream that only you could stop. it sounds like i'm dying. but maybe i am.

i just want you back rena. that's all i ask for. i love you, so so much. and i think after writing this i miss you even more now.

goodnight rena. i love you.

- baby xoxo