letters to rena

nine years after you died...

dear rena;

hey beautiful. i just wanted to say that. i miss being able to say that to your face.

i guess i'm kind of staring at your face right now. you look a little different though. you look so much younger.all dark hair, blue eyes and your favorite green shirt. you're standing next to my goofy self and you have your arms wrapped around my waist. i remember taking this photo like it was yesterday. the only reason i remember this day so clearly was because after your mom took the picture you turned to me and kissed me, right in front of your parents. that was such a huge step for us, because at the time you weren't out to your parents. that night you came out to them though, and after that night our relationship soared to new heights.

i miss your kisses.

but rena, i got my cosmetology degree last month, and i couln't be happier, it was all because of you. you got me through those exams and studying. you got me through everything. you were with me every step of the way.

during my graduation they played our song. i have never cried so hard in front of my college friends before then. in just the first few seconds that i heard of Make You Feel My Love i was a train wreck. rachel and tom kept shooting me worried looks, and camden wouldn't stop hugging me. she stood next to me the whole time and held my hand. she told me that you were standing right next to me, looking just as proudly as i was, and lookign just as beautiful too.

i know that she was telling the truth.

the last year of college was really tough rena, really really tough. tougher than all the math papers i had to do.

so tough.

i think that was because i didn't have you physically next to me. 

but it was so much better than the first year. i had tom to remind me how to be a little kid again, and i had rachel too. she was there to give me endless amounts of her famous bear hugs. i had grayson's support, and also i always had hadley to call. i had little sabrina to smile at me through skype, and rena; i had camden who finally convinced me to go jogging with her.

but most importantly, i had you. i had you in my head and in my heart and soul to take me through every memory, piece by piece.

rena, i have something to tell you, but i feel like i need to here with me in person. i feel like i have to wait it out before i truly explain everything.

i think i like someone rena. no -  know i like someone. someone who has always been there for me. but i'm scared. scared for them, scared for me, but mostly scared for you.

can i talk about this with you? is this kind of conversation allowed with you? i never thought ina million years that this would happen. 

i want to tell you about her baby, i want to tell you all about her, like you asked me to, but it's just so hard.

she takes me jogging up to the top of this hill with lots of trees and we just talk. one time she took me up into this tree and we carved our names into it.

but underneath "camden and tori" we wrote your name. camden never asks why, she just does it. she understands.

me and camden moved in together recently. it barely has room for one of us, let alone two, but that;s just how we like it. we cook each other dinner and she keeps me young by making me watch all these awful romantic comedy movies.

hadley's twenty-ninth birthday is in a couple weeks time. that's why i'm back in Beachwood. her mom is holding a huge lunch party and she tried her hardest to get a hold of all of our friends.

hadey's pregnant with another one -  a beautiful baby boy apparently - and she and grayson couldn't be happier.

i wish you were here right now coming with me to hadley's birthday. you should be here. you should be standing with me in front of all of our friends, making a silly toast about how hadley was the craziest teenager to ever exist. you should be here to embarrass her with me. but i have to do this on my own now and i know that.

i know that now.

i just wish i could experience my new found happiness with you. but it's a different kind, it feels like a happiness that i never got with you because it's coming from a different person. it's neither better or worse though. it's just different.

i wish you were here to see the new me, but maybe you can see from up there? i like to think that you can. 

hadley and i will be thinking of you on her birthday. we will, i promise. i hope you'll be thinking of us too.

goodnight rena. i love you.

- baby xoxo