letters to rena

twenty years after you died...

hello rena;

it was so hard to find a spare moment today to write to you, but happy fortieth birthday up there in the clouds and in my heart baby. i bet you're as beautiful as you always were, if not even more.

i can hear you in my head now saying "yeah sure baby, i'm one hot mama at forty years old of course!"

that makes me chuckle.

but i apologize in advance for the state of this letter. seth is sitting at the table with his coloring book that he just got for his sixth birthday that was a couple of weeks ago. shay thinks it's hysterical to knock all of the crayons over onto my notebook papers. serena is sitting on my lap, trying to count the cracks in the kitchen table. shay is trying to read parts of the letter that i'm writing you right now, but i don't think she's getting very far.

they all have only just learned how to pronounce certain letters and how to count; hence the reason why serena is counting the cracks in the kitchen table.

so yes, there is probably peanut butter all over this paper, and probably crayon marks from shay's attempt to knock them all over. honestly rena, you would have loved the kiddos though.

even despite their messes.

camden and hadley went out to go bowling and they said that me and grayson could spend your birthday with the kids. hadley and grayson stayed over last night, and grayson just came downstairs, (loudly as always) already with a coffee in his hand. sabrina's occupied with the t.v. and joshua is still sleeping.

i miss you today rena. especially today, i just want you here, and i just want to throw you the best fortieth birthday party that ever existed. i want to show you how much i love you, and i want to be able to hold you in my arms and never let you go. maybe just dance with you, one more time, like we used to. ten more seconds... that's all i ask.

i just want to smell your hair one last time.

i just want to look into your beautiful blue eyes and feel that reassurance one last time.

i just want to touch the soft skin of your cheeks for the final time.

i don't want to forget you rena.

now i'm crying and grayson is ushering the kids out of the room so i can be alone with you. if i wasn't crying i'd probably laugh at that.

but rena, i want to tell you more about my babies.

seth is such a grown up little boy. he's so grown for his age, and he really enjoys talking about anything and everything. he likes painting these cute little pictures too (which we place on the fridge of course) and rena; sometimes when your dad comes into town, he'll take little seth to the local art gallery and seth will sit on his shoulders and stare at the paintings for hours on end.

it's the cutest thing i've ever seen.

shay is our little tomboy. she's got crazy blonde hair just like camden's, but it's always in a little ponytail because she likes it out of her face. plus, she taught herself how to skateboard and even after several tumbles and falls, she still loves it.

and then we have our little rena (who by the way loves when we all her that) who is just about as cute as you! she's got the darkest eyes and prettiest hair. but the weirdest thing about her is the fact that she just likes to sit. she would do it all day if she could. sometimes me and her will sit out on the balcony and talk. she really likes to look at the stars, and sometimes it's like she can see you all the way up there. she must feel some kind of connection to you, because every time we go out on the balcony, she jumps up and down like an excited puppy. sometimes i think she can feel you. i like to think that's magical.

but my babies, they are the smartest little six year olds i've ever met, and i wouldn't change them for anything.

but now i guess i better go rescue grayson from the craziness that is my sweet triplets. i should probably get them all ready for your birthday. all of us each have our own lime green outfits, and we'll all wear them today, just for you.

thanks for putting up with me.

goodnight rena. i love you.

- baby xoxo