letters to rena

a year and nine months after you died...

hey rena;

it's your birthday today. you would have been twenty-two baby. 

i bet you would've looked beautiful at the party your parents would have thrown for you in complete surprise. i think they miss throwing you parties. i told them to remember how great your sweet sixteen was, and also your eighteenth. i also told them that this wasn't something they should hurt themselves over, because all of your birthdays were special rena. all of them.

but however, my parents and i managed to scrape up some money together, and we surprised your parents instead. mom took your parents on a day out in the city so that dad and some other people could set up. rowan and ryker came home from florida, as did berlin and mason. hadley and reagan drove up a few hours before the party started. 

hadley has a boyfriend now. his name is grayson and he has black hair and blue eyes. he's so tall that it makes me a little scared. but he's so lovely and so perfect for hadley.

it took us all day to set up. we set up ropes and twinkling fairy lights, and lanterns. everything rena, everything for you.

and it was amazing. 

we finished setting up; hadley and grayson and i made all the food. my mom cooked her amazing spanish food, just because she knew it was your favorite.

i haven't seen half of these people since the funeral rena. not since rowan sang If I Die Young in her lime green dress. not since hadley gave you a beautiful memorial in her green pantsuit. not since all of us got up in front of the crowd to sing in our lime green clothes.

lime green for you rena. because you love lime green more than anything else in this world. 

mason managed to carefully remove some of your dad's paintings from the garage and he put them outside. he put the last one your dad did of you in a huge frame and sat it at the end of all of the tables.

the painting is beautiful rena. your dad was going to paint it in black and white, but i asked him not to because then we wouldn't be able to see the deep color of your eyes. the ocean that showers me every time i look at it brings me so much reassurance and safety. just like i always used to tell you huh? 

the painting is just a picture of your face. your beautiful hair flowing, just like you always had it. you have this huge grin on your face, and it was such a toothy smile, that if you had any say in tonight's party, you would have demanded we burn it, for the sake of the so called pride you always tried to show me.

but you look so happy in it rena. and that's the way you were, and that's the way you'll always be. not just to me, but to everyone else.

your parents loved everything. your dad broke down when he saw his painting of you sitting in front of him and your mom couldn't stop smiling at the effort we all put into your special day. your mom even wore her lime green scarf today, just for you.

and, instead of presents, we all brought something of ours that reminded us of you. we put everything into a bag, and your mom keeps it in your room i think.

berlin donated her old cheer uniform, because she knew you like cheer so much. mason brought a tee shirt with a picture of the devil and an angel on it. he told us that he used to think you were satan, but then after getting to know you, underneath your bad girl reputation, you were really the greatest angel God could ever put on this earth. (i knew that all along though.) rowan and ryker donated their favorite chapstick because they said they miss when you used to make fun of them for using it. that made me laugh. reagan donated her favorite green scarf, because she said you would always try to steal it from her. 

but rena, pheonix's gift surprised me. i had it set in my mind that he was going to bring one of your old bra's or something, but he actually brought one of his yellow shirts that you always would wear. he said you would wear it because it would remind you of me. i thought that was sweet. you never told me about that. you also never told me about all the christmas cards you sent all of our friends last year! that was so nice of you rena. 

hadley's gift was my favorite though. she gave your mom the friendship bracelet the three of us made the summer we all met.

she'd kept it rena. she actually kept that little token of friendship we all made that hot summer day on the playground. the day we all met under the oak tree, asking each other's names and how old we all were.

we were all seven years old, and we were so excited to all be the same age.

your mom didn't want to take such a precious thing from hadley, but hadley told her that without you, she would have never got through the name-calling and hard times in high school. 

the friendship bracelet is hanging on your mom's dresser now.

the party ended, and everyone cleaned up and went home after they gave your mom an item. hadley and grayson stayed over though. they didn't want to go back to Beachwood just yet.

i'm in my bed now rena. hadley left grayson alone in the guest room and she snuck into mine. now she's lying all curled up by my side, griping onto my arm. she said she's so afraid of losing me too.

i'm so glad we threw you a party tonight.  you have no idea how much i think it helped not only me, but your parents and everyone else involved today.

you are so special, wherever you are. please don't ever forget that.

goodnight rena. i love you.

- baby xoxo