letters to rena

ten years after you died...

dear rena;

i'm getting married .

is that a bad thing?

i'm so scared, and nervous and worried, and everything in between but at the same time, i'm so excited. so very excited.

imagine what our wedding would be like rena. i imagine lots of pastel pink roses and lots of lime green scattered everywhere. i see little ducks running around and i see you getting up in front of everyone during our reception to sing your pretty little heart out. you would've wanted us both in pretty matching dresses (even though you would much rather wear sweatpants.)

i can see this whole weeding thing rena, and that's why camden promised me that we could make it just like you and i always wanted ours to be. so, guess what? there are little baby ducks floating in the pond next to me and camden's house. and of course, me and camden's wedding colors are pastel pink and lime green. the now old daisy is even going to sit at the end of the aisle, still wagging her tail. and rena, we even have a framed picture of our late kitty cat whiskers at the end of the aisle. (i think daisy misses her as much as i do.)

but here at me and camden's wedding, this is everything here that would've been here if you were still alive.

oh rena... what has life done for us? why did it take you away from me so soon?

i feel so heartbroken and sad, yet i feel so happy and content at the same time.

all i know is that the minute that me and my dad reach camden at the other end of the aisle, i will take her hands, look deep into her brown eyes, and smile. i will smile because i know that at the other end of my invisible tether is you, standing next to me, smiling and whispering love and comfort in my ear.

i'm ready, i know i am, i have the best life in San Francisco. i'm closer to hadley  than ever and i take sabrina and joshua (their baby boy) to the park almost everyday with camden, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i have a job as a makeup artist now too, living out your dream because you never got the chance to. and also because i'm with camden, who completely understands everything i struggled through and accepts my past and future with you.

and today i'm getting married to her. 

at the other end of the aisle i can hear daisy breathing heavy from my changing room. she's so od rena, i swear she's going to drop dead soon. that will be such a sad say, because i feel like she's the only thing that i've got left of you.

but rena,  it was so scary the first time camden kissed me. not because i didn't want to do it, but just because last time i kissed someone it was you.

but she waited rena, she waited so long to make sure i was comfortable. she was so understanding and because of that i love her.

dad just told me that it's time. he's taking this letter and he's going to attach it to a balloon that camden and i are going to release after the ceremony. hadley has written her own letter to you too. wish me luck baby. i'm thinking of you, especially today.

goodnight rena. i love you.

- baby xoxo