letters to rena

four years after you died...

dear rena;

it's been so long since i've written you and i feel really bad about it. school took over me and i am actually sending you this letter from Beachwood. i'm staying in hadley and grayson's apartment, and let me tell you; it's HUGE. they've got a massive living room and dining room, so big that i bet they could fit a family of eighteen in it. it's so pretty, just like you rena. i wish you could be here to see it.

hadley and grayson have been helping me these last two years with school and all. after finding all of the notebooks you used to write in during the last few years of your life, i finally figured out what i really want to do.

you wrote how you were going to apply to Dalton University to study cosmetology. you wanted to become a makeup artist but you didn't think you were talented enough. you wrote how hard the exams would be, and you wrote that you didn't ever want to live away from me. you wrote that becoming a makeup artist would never happen in our stupid little town and that you would just end up working in some loser bar downtown, serving old men their beer. you thought that you were'nt good enough or fit enough to become what you wanted to be.

well rena, if you can do it, anymore in the whole universe could- especially you.

so, i'm going to Dalton University rena. i'm going to live the life you always dreamed of living and i'm going to show you that it's possible. anything is possible when you love someone.

that's what you used to tell me remember?

your parents are helping me with fee costs and textbooks, and grayson helped me set up skype so i can call them since i'm going to be so far away from your parents. hadley took me shopping, (she's a fashion designer now) and with her first pay check she bought me new clothes and also all the stuff i'll need for college. she's even paid for my flight to Colorado. she did that yesterday.

i'm so excited. the Daily Due asked me if they could publish a story on my long hard journey, but i told them i'd rather have them write it about you. so the company and me met halfway and now we both are in the newspaper! this is first step to getting the world to see how beautiful and amazing you are rena.

so, i'm studying the foundation level of cosmetology which means at the end of my studies, i'll be a qualified makeup artist. i want to live out your dreams because you couldn't do that in your lifetime. i know it's what i'm meant to do.

i think i'm going to be the oldest on the course when it starts in the fall. who ever heard of a twenty-five year old makeup artist? i feel like a grandma!

you would have been so proud of me these last three years. every time i felt like i couldn't do it anymore and i wanted to give up, i went and sat in our garden and just remembered. i remembered you and daisy and whiskers and hadley. i remembered our water fights and late night camping trips and walks on the beach.

memories of you are so beautiful.

hadley is amazing rena. she let me live with her for the last two years, while grayson worked at the local TV station. (he's a TV anchor now.) they make enough money to help and support me, and i've never been more thankful. hadley was finishing up her fashion studies, which meant that each night, grayson and i were treated to a brilliant array of fashion facts that she learned that day. she's so smart rena... i bet you would be so proud of her.

the other thing about hadley is that even when she was studying really hard, she still managed to help me with mine. she completely re-taught me math, english and science rena. and grayson helped me with geography. he was actually really good at that. both hadley and grayson would stay up so late at night, surrounding me with textbook after textbook. they even put up maps and posters up all over the walls of their apartment. they would even skype me when i was back home with my parents.

i even have my own bedroom at hadley and grayson's place. it was originally a guest room, but they painted it yellow and they surprised me by placing a huge blown up picture of me and you on the wall above my bed. this one is in black and white and it's of the last night we spent together in the garden. we're all wrapped up in each other's arms and we were sitting by the fire enjoiying each others company. you looked so happy it's almost impossible to remember that the next day that occured wouldn't be as happy.

rena, i remember that day like it was yesterday. everything about that day started out perfect, considering i had just given you a promise ring. you looked so happy and your eyes lit up like the fourth of july. then came the huge party at berlin's house. i shouldn't have let you get so drunk that night rena. i shouldn't have let you get so close to the pool. i should have watched you more closely. i feel that what happened was all my fault and that alone eats away at me everyday. everything went so fast i feel like i didn't even have time to react. all i remember is hadley screaming " serena fell into the pool tori! someone help her!" my mind at that point was so fried that i didn't even think about my severe fear of water. all i could think was oh my god rena can't swim.  you were the only thing on my mind then, but once i reached the pool it was too late. despite my fear of water i just jumped in and swam over to your limp body floating on top of the water and i knew something was wrong. i pulled you out of the water and noticed that the promise ring i had put on you just hours before was gone and that's when it hit me. in your drunken state you dropped your ring in the pool, and you jumped in to grab it , totally forgetting that you couldn't swim. the ambulances came in seconds, but it was too late. i could've saved you, i really could have rena.

but that picture in my bedroom rena, i don't even remember taking it.

do you?

i think we were just so happy to be together that anything or anyone else around us was insignificant. 

grayson asks about you a lot. hadley and i have these nights - serena nights as we like to call them. hadley decided to take me out of counseling and told me that the only person that was going to pull me through was you. and you live in me rena, so hadley told me that all i needed was a few friends, memories, and a person to vent to.

and that person turns out to be grayson.

we get out all these albums of pictures and go through all of our handwritten letters, clothes, everything - and we explain to grayson the stories behind all of it. he often tells me that he feels like he knows you just as much as i do because hadley and i talk about you so much.

but rena, i still get scared. i still wake up at the same time every night, my heart pounding and my body drenched as if i just re-lived jumping into that pool in my attempt to save you. i can't remember what i've been dreaming about but all i see when i wake up is your face. 

but rena, it's disfigured. it doesn't look like you.

your hair is filled with chlorine, your lips swollen purple in your attempt to spit out water so you could breathe. the only way i can tell that it's you is because of your beautiful blue eyes.

thank god for your eyes rena.

i always try really hard not to whimper and wake up hadley, but she always ends up coming in anyways, often with grayson and they both settle around me and hold my hands until i fall asleep again. honestly rena, i don't know what i would do without them.

i'll write again soon.

goodnight rena. i love you. 

- baby xoxo