letters to rena

eight years after you died...

dear rena;

colorado is completely different to anywhere i have ever been before in my life. it's so, so much bigger than our stupid little hometown and there is so many more buildings here, more than there ever was in Beachwood. i'm not sure that i like it, but i know it will grow on me.

i feel you giggling sometimes rena, i feel you quite a lot, i feel like this big city was where you were always meant to come after you were done with school. your face is everywhere - in the blue skies, the red bricks, and the rolling wind. when i catch the tram to and from school, all i can feel is you next to me; laughing about how it rattles and clangs on the tracks.

i wish i could have shared a tram ride with you before, well you know.

cosmetology is so fun though. the kids on my course make me feel their age again. they sort of helped me live the years i missed out on you know? there's this girl named rachel who's pretty awesome. she's twenty three and she parties harder than you ever did! tom is the sweetest boy ever too! i met him yesterday, and he's so quiet and small' but everything he does is adorable. all the other students are too nerdy, that i don't even understand them half the time.

i'm on a floor with a few people too i ended up getting a room by myself because i felt like that's the kind of thing you would've done. and hey, at the end of the day, i'm doing this; all of this for you and your legacy. i have one more year of studies and then i can go out and put your name in lights like you always wanted.

i live next to this girl named camden who is only twenty-one. she's in her second year, and she's studying chemistry. every time she speaks, it reminds me of you and i feel like it's my duty to protect her. she's kind of like a support for me, one that i never expected. she sleeps in my room most nights because she tries to tell me that my bed is more comfortable than hers. (that makes me smile because you used to give me that excuse all of the time.) camden has pretty blonde hair and the darkest tan skin i've ever seen! she says it's because she used to spend day after day on the beach, which i thought sounded nice. camden always makes me a smoothie every morning too, and sometimes she asks me to go with her on her morning runs.

but rena, i haven't said yes to that yet. i'm not sure if i want to get into that again you know? not after it was always our thing. i've only ever jogged with you, and to jog with someone else just seems wrong and different i guess.

but i probably should get over that sort of stuff shouldn't i? it has been 8 years after all. 8 years rena.

it feels like it's been a lifetime.

right now i'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to visit hadley and grayson in Beachwood. they recently got married and their baby girl was born just two months ago. they named her sabrina and she's the cutest thing i've ever seen. hadley sent me a couple of pictures and grayson skyped me a few nights ago and he told me about her. all of us are so excited to see each other again. she asked me to be sabrina's godmother and for you to be her guardian angel. i know you'll do a great job rena. you've been the most perfect guardian angel for me all these years, so i know you'll be great to sabrina.

i bet i'll get an earful from hadley's parents when i get there. they ike to remind me about the fact that i haven't made an effort to date anybody yet. "8 years victoria! 8 years and there's still no man in your life!" that's what they'll say.

hadley's parents obviously knew about you, but they don't don't know that i'm in love with you. they don't know how hard it is even beginning to imagine being with anyone else, just for one minute. they don't know that i'm supposed to be over with all of this by now.

my nightmares still happen rena. it still happens, and when i'm by myself, i can't stop myself from crying. i'm pretty sure camden can hear me whimpering to myself though. and when she's in my bed, she clings tighter to me. she never asks what's wrong. she's seen your face in pictures all over my dorm roon walls and it's like she just knows.

as much as it's nice to look after her, it's so nice to have someone looking after me too. i know that you would look after me too if you were here baby. i know that you for sure surround me. you're not too far away.

i just can't wait to meet little sabrina. i bet she'll be just as smiley as her mommy and just as smart as her daddy, i bet she'll have pretty brown curls too, just like hadley.

hadley emailed me a picture of this poster she saw this weekend at the train station. it showed that the one and only reagan wilson was in this new musical! how crazy is that? our reagan; the quietest girl in our old high school days will now be starring in Harvard's biggest musical! i bet you're so proud of her.

i miss you rena. i miss you so much. i keep remembering when your mom used to tell us that after her sister passed away, they were always attached by this invisible tether and no matter where they were, they could always feel each other. i think that's what we have rena. i still can feel you on the other end of our tether. but the sad thing is, i have no idea where you are and everytme i try and follow it, i end u not moving anywhere but where i am, and i can't help but feel like it's because you are here. you're right here with me, following by my side every step of the way on this crazy journey. we are bothing living this together.

hadley was right when she said you live in me.

you do.

goodnight rena. i love you.

- baby xoxo