dear diary

chapter 7

dear diary,

i miss being a child. i miss being young, and naive, when nothing really mattered because it wasn't me who had to deal with things that went wrong.

i miss the time when my family was that, a family. i miss my brother, and as much as i hate to say it i do miss my father.

life has been nothing short of complicated for me the past year, and i have nothing to thank but time for that. i miss when me and my brother would swim in our pool together, my mom and father up on the porch watching their children have fun.

it's been too long since i've felt that happiness. and it's all my fault.

I put my diary down and pick at my cuticles, the dried blood being replaced by new, fresh blood.

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood, and I can only thank my nightmares for that.

It's been forever since i've had one, but last night was a really bad one. Full of shattered glass, sirens, and screams I felt like I was there all over again.

I feel sick.

I get off my bed and walk to the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I look horrible, bags under my eyes and dried tears on my cheeks.

I don't usually wake up crying after my nightmares, but this one was different. I've never had one this realistic.

I used to go to therapy, but nothing changed. Eventually I learned how to distract myself, but I knew it wouldn't be long before they were bound to come back. I just didn't expect it to be so soon.

I get in the shower and turn it cold, my skin is hot to the touch. I should call my mom and tell her about the nightmares coming back, but I don't want to worry her. I prefer dealing with my problems alone anyway.

I eventually shut the water off and get out, the bags under my eyes still present. I don't know why I expected them to go away.

I throw on leggings and a sweatshirt before going downstairs, skipping my waffle and getting in the car.

I'm running behind for school, and I don't want to be late. School is the last place I want to be, but it's the only thing I have right now to distract me. I know if I stay home I won't be able to get my mind off of my nightmare.

I pull into the parking lot and kill the engine, the silence that was comforting yesterday unbearable today.

Once I get into the building, I go to my locker and grab my things before heading to English, my hood up.

I think I heard a teacher tell me to take it down, but I don't care, I really don't want to be bothered today.

I walk into the english classroom and see Blaire in her seat, smiling at me while waving. I walk over to her and sit down, praying she isn't as energized as usual today.

"Morning!" She quips, and I force a smile in return.

I pick at my cuticles while waiting for the teacher to walk in. The sting has always been an unhealthy coping mechanism for me.

"Are you okay?" I hear Blaire ask the dreaded question, the one that makes me want to cry all over again. Most people would, but I've learned how to control it.

"Just tired," I respond, yawning for extra effect. The teacher finally walks in and immediately motions for me to remove my hood, and I roll my eyes before doing so.

"Alright class! That seminar I talked about, which was supposed to happen today, is now pushed to next week. We are extremely behind in our reading, and be we I mean all of you. This class will only get harder, so I suggest you take initiative and start doing your homework when it's due. With that being said, today will be a catch up day. You may begin now, I am here for any questions," The teacher addresses us with a stern and impatient voice, and I almost let out a sigh of relief that the seminar is rescheduled. I completely forgot about it, and I was excited to participate, but today would not have been a good day for that.