dear diary

chapter 44

Part 1

dear diary,

today is the day. for once, im hoping that school never ends so that Chase doesn't have to endure this dinner tonight, and i don't have to watch him struggle.

i know how hard this is going to be on him, and i'm growing more and more nervous as each minute passes. we don't have to be there until 5:30, but despite the fact we have all day to prepare there's no escaping fate.

tonight, Chase will have to share dinner with the two people who abandoned him at the ripe age of sixteen, alongside a little girl who he hadn't even known existed until recently.

i had another nightmare last night- one of my worst. i found myself under the scorching hot water pouring out of my shower head at three in the morning, my ass on the cold tiles as my head hung low in my hands.

today isnt about me, though, which is why i plan on keeping this one to myself. more of that night was revealed to me in my dream, why im not sure and im not in a rush to find out. living through it once was enough, and im getting sick of these nightmares.

my mother came in to rescue me about thirty minutes after my skin had already been torched, and her efforts to comfort me were in vain seeing as she was the star in my nightmare. there was a while where it was just her, stood over my bleeding body, unsure of whether she should save me or run off with him. that's when i woke up.

i don't look forward to dinner later, but in the least it will get my mind off last nights dream. i just hope dinner isn't as much of a struggle for Chase as sleeping is for me.

I've been awake for over three hours now, and my eyes burn as I scribble into my diary. I'm sure the bags underneath them are nothing short of hideous, I just hope they aren't too noticeable. I don't want Chase worrying about me at all today.

He has enough going on, and I'm positive the fact that I suffered through a nightmare last night would only stress him out more. I've only managed to pick away at the cuticles on both of my index fingers, and I guess that's better than ruining my whole hand. Two bandaids will look a lot less suspicious than ten, right?

I shrug my thoughts away and stand, walking to my closet and slipping into a pair of leggings and a loose fitting crop top. I throw a zip up jacket on over it, because it's freezing in the school, before putting my shoes on and walking down stairs.

I make it to school with a few minutes to spare, and I spend the time looking in the rear view mirror of my car, staring at my reflection. I look like a zombie, and it's pretty obvious I got barely three hours of sleep last night. Times like these is when I wish I was skilled with makeup, and that it was something I could use to my benefit. I've tried, and every time I end up looking more like a clown than when I had none on.

I sigh and tear my eyes away from the bags beneath them, turning the car off and making my way towards the building. Tyler appears next to me, walking beside me, but today no words are uttered between us. I find this weird and awkward, but I'd take silence over his desperation any day of the week.

He doesn't stop at my locker with me, but he walks me all the way there despite the fact it's out of his way. So, so weird.

I exchange my books, shutting my locker and making my way towards English. The period goes by quickly, something I wish it hadn't, and the whole time I can see Blaire's eyes flicking from mine to the dark circles beneath them. If she noticed how bad they look, she didn't mention it.

Calculus felt like it lasted a century, and I find myself thanking god that it did. The closer and closer the clock ticks to 5:30, the sweatier my palms get.