dear diary

chapter 50

My palms are sweating, my stomach is churning and my forehead is burning. I feel like I'm being stabbed all over again, and honestly, I don't think that fate is far off. 

"He found me," I say to Chase, and I watch as his face morphs into an expression of fear. 

"What- What do you mean he found you?" He asks, and I can feel the tears burning my cheeks as I try to find a way to explain this to Chase.

The video was of Chases speech, and while it wasn't him who posted it I know Chase will blame himself, and that is the last thing that I want.

"A video leaked with me in it, the location was tagged and he found me," I say, my words rushed and strung together as my knees start to shake and my head grows dizzy. I need to sit down, or run, or something because standing here is only making it worse.

"How do you know?" He asks another question, and I sigh.

"Because there was a comment, and I just," I swallow, hard, because the air is thickening and I know it won't be long before that drowning feeling blankets my senses. Except right now, I don't want silence, I don't want the peaceful feeling. I want safety, and I can't get it. "I know it was him, Chase. It's over, it's all over."

"Stop, do not say things like that, do you hear me? Nothing is over, everything is fine. Let's go upstairs and talk about this, alright?" He starts to pull away from me, moving towards the poolroom to grab his things but I stop him.

"There's nothing to talk about Chase, the dream is over. It's time we wake up," I say with a sad smile, because I need to try my best to make this situation less hurtful. If not for me then for Chase.

Chase grabs fistfuls of his hair and tugs, and I can tell he's fighting back tears of his own. He knows this is over.

"Stop! Just stop, we can fix this. Just, wait here, I'm going to grab the room key," he says, his voice full of nothing but despair and all I want is to take it away from him but I can't.

I can't do anything about this, because I am here and my father is home. I have to go home, I have to accept my fate because if I don't my blood won't be the only that is spilled. For the sake of my friends, my mother, and Chase, I need to deal with this on my own. 

Chase bursts through the door, his things in his hands as he rushes towards the elevators pulling me behind him. I let him take me, because I know he needs this. He needs to solve this himself, or at least try to. I can't find it in me to tell him to give up, that there's no point. 

So I let him pull me into the elevator, I let him hold me because I know it won't last. 

He keeps his arms wrapped around me as we take our last ride, and I can feel his body shaking in unison with mine. Once we reach our floor, he pulls us out of the elevator and into our room within seconds. I sit on the bed as Chase paces back and forth, his hands back in his hair.

"Maybe it wasn't him, maybe it was just someone trolling, you know? Everything is fine, I know it," He spits, and I can tell this is eating him alive. 

"Chase... it's okay. Please, it's okay," I try to comfort him, but I'm also trying to convince myself that my words are true. 

None of this is okay, though, and I know that. Maybe I should be scared, or panicking, or something, but for some reason I sit still and I stare at the wall. I knew this day would come, and maybe that's why I'm not freaking out. 

"How the fuck is any of this okay?" Chase yells, and I close my eyes. 

"Chase, I warned you about this. I told you he would find me, and while I tried to convince myself that he wouldn't, deep down I knew this would happen. It's okay because in the meantime, I found friends, and I found you," I tell him, standing and grabbing his hands with my own. "It's time for me to go, and you aren't coming with me."