Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

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Junkyu

This isn't what was supposed to happen. Years ago, when I thought that short Japanese boy was cute, it was just supposed to be a little crush that eventually went away as I got used to being around him more and debuting in a group with him so that I could just be his close friend and one day maybe be able to say "hey, Mashiho, did you know that when I first met you I had a crush on you?" and he'd be all like "no way!" and we would laugh about it and then it would be over and that would be that.

But no. No, no, no. I just had to go and fall in love with him like the absolute idiot that I am, didn't I? Junkyu In Love is Idiot Junkyu, Stupid Junkyu, Bad Junkyu, Wrong Junkyu. Because this is wrong. I'm not supposed to feel this way about one of my own group members. No one else does... well, Jaehyuk and Asahi I guess, but that's different.

I don't want to love him. I don't.

But I do.

I love his big eyes and his baby face. I love his bunny teeth smile and his button nose, especially when it scrunches up when he smiles sometimes. I love the way his body moves when he dances or walks or does anything. I love the soft and sweet tone of his voice. I love his kind heart and silly sense of humour. I love how he's always up for cuddles. I love that he is always unashamedly himself around me. I love his perfectionist and hyper-organisational quirks. I love his fiery passion and determination that he's had to achieve his dreams ever since he was a child. I love how fast he bounces back from things that are hard. I love how he always wants to help people in whatever way he can... whether it be acting like a dance teacher or assisting me in cake baking adventures. I love his whiney voice when he's annoyed and how fast he talks when he's excited. I love how he created a Wattpad account to get notifications so we would always have a fun thing to do together. I love the way his eyebrows furrow together when he's focused. I love that he told me about his derealisation even though he's never talked to anyone else about it. I love his courage and bravery in everything that he does. I love that he believes in me and trusts me and always makes me feel good about myself. I love him.

I would quite literally make any sacrifice in the world for him to be happy and safe and healthy all the time. I hate when we're apart because it means I can't keep an eye on him and know he's alright. I want to be together with him all the time.

And on top of that I wish... I wish I could actually be with him. I wish I could kiss him and always have him sleeping in my bed and sneak out on dates with him and tell him how much I love him and call him mine. I wish I could be Mashiho's Junkyu more than anything in the world. I wish it so bad that it physically hurts.

This is why I should have been careful. I should have tried harder to shut down my feelings back when they weren't as strong. Because now I don't know how I can keep going like this. But then again, maybe it's been like this all along and I just didn't realise. It doesn't feel like that, though. It feels like someone's just flicked a switch and I've gone from very slowly falling to buried completely underground, and now it's going to be even harder to get over.

Mashiho's at the agency in a meeting right now and I'm in our room, supposed to be working on our song and trying to make it better than the piece of garbage it is. But I'm not doing that at all. I'm pacing back and forth with my hands in my hair, frantically trying to figure out something, anything, about what I should do.

"Maybe I'm overreacting," I actually say out loud to myself.

Perhaps I'm not in love with Mashiho at all and just... had a rush of feelings last night when I was so close to him. Maybe this rush will fade away in, like, an hour.

I wish I could talk to someone. Anyone. I don't want to talk to Hyunsuk because this is exactly what I told him wouldn't happen. I don't want to talk to Jihoon because he'd never let me live it down. But they're both out with Mashiho, anyway. Ironically, Mashiho is the person I want to talk to the most. I want to ask him his advice, as stupid as that sounds. But clearly I can't do that. Clearly I can't tell Mashiho anything, because as much as I wish he would reciprocate my feelings, I know he doesn't, and never will, which hurts pretty bad. What also hurts is that I have to hide this from him; I want to be totally open and honest with him because that's what he deserves. But what contradicts this is that what he doesn't deserve is having the mess of my feelings dumped on him and making him feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. So, silence it is.

Asahi's at the agency as well, so Jaehyuk's the only one in the dorm right now. I could talk to Jaehyuk. Maybe Jaehyuk is the best person to talk to. He knows what it's like to be in love, and unlike Asahi he'd probably be happy to talk about it.

I decide to talk to him, but not specifically about Mashiho. I can't tell anyone else the way I feel, because the more people I tell the more likely it is that he will eventually find out. Also, I don't want anybody to feel awkward or weird.

I stop pacing and my feet take me towards Jaehyuk's room. The door is wide open.

"Hey, Junkyu." He smiles... somewhat half-heartedly. He's just sitting on his bed, not doing anything. This is odd. "What's up?"

"Um... I just wanted to talk to you..." I say uncertainly.

Jaehyuk taps on his bed and I sit down in front of him while he looks at me, waiting.

I clear my throat. Here goes nothing. "How did you know you were in love with Asahi?"

He throws his head back and sighs with a tired smile. "You've chosen an interesting day to ask. We fought last night."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Are you... are you okay?"

I immediately feel incredibly guilty. I was so focused on myself that I didn't even pause to think why Jaehyuk seemed a bit less enthusiastic than usual. God, I'm the worst.

"Yeah, I'm okay. And we're going to be fine, don't worry. He talked it out with me this morning. I'm still just a bit shaken by it all," he assures me, giving me that same tired smile again. He looks exhausted more than anything. "Anyway, why do you want to know? About how I knew I was in love?"

This is a question I should have expected but it throws me nonetheless. I also feel strange because it's like our roles have been reversed and he's the hyung right now.

"For songwriting purposes," I lie. "You know how Mashiho and I are doing a love song. It's still not really what I want it to be so I wanted to talk to someone who, you know, has more experience."

Jaehyuk laughs. "You make it sound like I'm the romance guru."

"Are you not?" I joke, but the lying has made my palms sweaty.

He chews his lip for a while before answering. "I'm not sure if it was just one moment, if that's what you mean. I think I just gradually became more and more infatuated with him, and I started to understand him better and care about him way more than I cared about myself. And then when one day I thought 'hey, I think I might be in love with him', I wasn't very surprised. I was just like... yeah, makes sense. I probably have been for a while."

Not exactly what I'm experiencing, then, if he wasn't thrown by it at all. You're not in love, then, I tell myself, but even as I do I know I'm just being ridiculous and not wanting to accept what I know is true. I wish I could ask Jaehyuk how he shut off what he felt, but obviously he didn't. So I ask him something else instead.

"And how did you... how did you know that Asahi felt the same way about you?" I ask a bit too softly.

Then he looks at me. Like, really looks at me. Right through my eyes and into my soul, and his expression changes and he knows. I don't know how he knows, and I don't know how I know that he knows, but he does, and I'm more sure of this than anything. He knows how I feel about Mashiho. He knows what Mashiho doesn't feel towards me. He knows everything.

"Junkyu..." he says, his face full of pity that I hate.

I know that he'll want to help me, but right now this makes me angry. Am I really that transparent? Can't I keep any personal thoughts and feelings to myself? Hyunsuk, Jihoon, Jaehyuk... I wouldn't be surprised if more already know or will figure it out as well.

"Forget it," I say sharply, hurrying out of his room and back to mine.

He makes no attempt to follow me.

When I get back to my room the first thing I see is my lyrics notebook on my desk. I tear through the pages, all the scribbles and words and stupid things that were me trying to figure out how to write a song about unrequited love. It's all wrong, so I rip out every page with lyrics for Curse on it and start all over again, because I know what to say now. Because now I really do feel like I've been cursed.