Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

4 - 9

Junkyu

After talking to Mashiho, a switch flicked inside me and I feel sober again. I know I'm not sober, because that's not how it works, but my head and heart are racing again and I feel the pain acutely. I stumble away from my old room and find myself in the kitchen. I put both hands on the counter to steady myself— they slap down harder than I intend them to— and hear what sounds like someone hyperventilating. Then I realise it's me who's hyperventilating.

I can't do this anymore. I can't. It hurts too much. How the hell am I going to get through this? It's impossible. It's just impossible. Tears sting behind my eyes and I realise I can't remember the last time I cried, like really cried, which is ridiculous, because I've nearly cried about three million times lately.

My breathing is getting faster and faster and I'm starting to feel faint and not just from the alcohol anymore. I ball my hands up into fists and tense all the muscles in my body because I feel like I'm going to explode.

Then I hear a gentle voice. "Junkyu?"

Hyunsuk is standing at the doorway to his room, which is next to the kitchen, watching me with a pained expression on his face. My breathing starts to slow as I try to think of what to tell him. Then, wordlessly, he holds his arms out.

I run into them as fast as I can, clutching him like a lifeline as he squeezes me tightly back, and sob uncontrollably into his shoulder.

~

I wake up the next morning alone in Hyunsuk's bed to a pounding headache and queasy stomach. Unfortunately, my memory is still fully in tact, and the realisation of what I did last night brings on a wave of nausea so strong that I barely make it to the toilet in time to start puking into it.

It's almost funny how I was sparkling onstage Idol Junkyu just yesterday, and now this morning I'm Hungover Junkyu throwing up into the toilet as soon as he wakes up. If only the fans could see me now. Ha.

I feel less nauseated by the time I've finished, but my head is throbbing even more than before. I groan and curl up on the bathroom tiles, wanting to wash my mouth out to get rid of the awful taste and also because I'm feeling very dehydrated, but not having the energy to.

"Good merry morning to you," I hear Hyunsuk's voice say, but it sounds more like a shout, a bullet straight to the head.

"Not so loud, please." My voice comes out in a hoarse whisper.

He snorts, then sits down next to me on the floor and places a glass of water in front of me. "You should drink lots of water."

I oblige, chugging some down. This helps me be able to speak in a somewhat normal voice again. "Sorry about this."

Hyunsuk rubs his hand up and down my shoulders. I'm surprised that he doesn't feel grossed out by touching me knowing that I literally just threw up. "Don't worry about it. And wow, I'm kind of shocked. Apparently you drank even more than one bottle of soju last night? I would think you would have to stop after half of one. Although, if I didn't know you and how much of a lightweight you are, I'd think you'd had fifteen drinks last night by the state of you."

I chuckle weakly and put my head in my hands. "I know. I'm a mess."

"Yeah. I wanted to be here when you woke up just to make sure you, like, actually did wake up."

My heart sinks. "Wait, what time is it? Are we supposed to be at the agency? There's a big meeting today, right?"

He waves his hand like it's no big deal. "Yeah, they'd be in the middle of it now, but that's alright. I wasn't about to drag you there like this."

I feel so guilty it makes me sick— but thankfully not sick enough to puke again. I know how important these things are to Hyunsuk. He'd feel horrible about not going. "Hyunsuk, you should have gone. And you should have gone to the dinner. I don't want you making all these sacrifices for me... and him."

"Junkyu, really, it's what I'm here for. Leading Treasure isn't just about going to meetings and stuff, it's about looking after my members. Making sure you and Mashiho are okay and that you get through this is the most important thing to me right now," he says softly, moving his hand down to hold my clammy one. "Don't feel guilty, please. You haven't done anything wrong."

"But I have." My voice cracks, and a tear slips down my cheek. "I've made you and the others worried, I've taken focus away from our concert and comeback and everything important, I've made Mashiho confused and miserable. I want to be Treasure's Junkyu, Reliable Junkyu, Good Member Junkyu, but I'm not. I'm Useless, Selfish Junkyu Who Messes Things Up."

Hyunsuk's silent for a while. He's thinking about how true everything I just said was, I know it. He resents me and the whole group resents me, and most of all I'm sure Mashiho resents me. What was it that he told me? I don't know what it means and I don't know who I am. He's probably going through some sort of sexuality crisis right now, and he's only been taking some space for a couple of weeks, and I just drunkenly and very emotionally declared my love for him and that I can't wait anymore. He really did not deserve that at all. I need to message him and apologise as soon as I have the energy to stand up and get my phone. I should message Jihoon too, I remember he was the one who hauled me out of the dinner when I could barely stand. God, I hate myself so much. I feel like such a disappointment to everyone.

"I hate it how you label yourself like that," Hyunsuk says.

Well that wasn't what I was expecting. "What?"

"You know, 'something' Junkyu. You were saying stuff like that back when you broke your leg, remember? And I've heard you say it a few times in passing before, too. You let everything happening around you define you and your worth and use it as a way to put yourself down and I don't like it. You're just... you're just Junkyu to us. And we love you for the Junkyu you always are, and that won't ever change."

Great, now I'm full on crying at him again, which makes my head hurt even more. He wraps his arms tightly around me like he did last night and lets me cry.

"I love you," I choke out through my sobs, and it has just as much emotion behind it, perhaps even more, as when I said such similar words to Mashiho last night.

I'm surprised when I hear that Hyunsuk's voice is thick with tears as well. "I love you too."

After a lot of crying, drinking water and hugging, I practically shove Hyunsuk out the door so that he can go to the agency, because I know he needs to be there. Then, I grab my phone and open messages.

Me: sorry i made you come home from dinner early last night
Me: and thanks for looking after me
Me: i love you loser

He replies straight away, even though I'm pretty sure he's still in the meeting.

Jihoon: love you too idiot
Jihoon: i definitely want to see you get drunk in a situation where you're not having an emotional breakdown, because that would be kind of epic

Then I open my chat with Mashiho, and take a deep breath before I start typing.